Love Songs

"Love Songs" Performed by M0co and Beemo from BeemoBot! on Vimeo.

Again, sometimes I forget how lucky I am.  In six short years, I've had the chance to share the stage with world class riggers and rope bottoms and last May was no exception.  Opening for Hajime Kinoko and Ika-chan was really one of the highest moments for Moco and myself.  Kinoko-san may be one of the biggest influences when it comes to Moco's rope style, even if it's not really evident.  We spent the earliest years of our relationship watching low-res videos of his Cyber Rope performances, pausing and replaying various transitions in hopes to unraveling some of the magic that is Kinoko's stage presence.

This performance was a bit different for us: everyone's used to the very show-boat-y, larger than life attitude that Moco and I bring.  I think it may have caught a couple people off guard, but I think this may be one of our most beautiful shows to date.  In the very least, it felt to be the most intimate and, for me, that's what rope is really about.

Many thanks to Rigger Jay for recording and editing this performance for us.

The Stress

I like to live my days in a constant state of stress.  No, maybe 'like' isn't the right word.  It's more like I need to live in a constant state of stress.  When my world is always on the brink of explosion, covered in deadlines, fraught with sleepless nights, that's when I churn out my best work.  I can't explain it, I don't try to understand it.  It's how it's been for years and how it's always going to be.

I know it sounds bad.   Most people opt for as stress-free life as possible.  "How can you operate?  How do you not break down?  How can you be so calm when everything is basically falling apart?"  and to be honest, I do break down.  Often.  Just like any and everyone else does.

I know my brain.  I know if I let up, it'll fail me.  I'll fail me.  At this point in my life, I refuse to fail myself.

I spent a good portion of my youth numbing my brain and ostensibly not feeling stress because...well, I wouldn't let myself feel anything emotionally or physically.  and isn't that so much worse?  I would rather be in a constant state of panic than to ever allow myself to be numb to the world.  It means I can feel.  It means I care.

Anyways, stress isn't a bad thing in my mind-  don't we all stress our bodies as rope bottoms?  Don't we all test ourselves to see what we can do?  How we break?  How we put ourselves back together?

BDSLR sent me a few images from a few weeks (or maybe months, I stopped keeping track of time when it comes to his editing ;).  All I could think of when I got the images was "Look at all this stress I'm under.  Look at me survive it."

Processing. Trust. Idiocy.

"So, I wanna try something dumb, but I wanna try this dumb thing on someone I trust to tell me if it's too dumb."

It's not a sentence most people hear often, but I feel like it's a fairly regular exchange I have with Meymoon (aka Tegoiss), a seemingly overnight rope top sensation from the DMV.  I've been lucky to watch his exponential growth in rope in his short time being in public kink.  His dedication to bondage is something to behold.

His dedication to making sure I remember he's a sadist on every possible level is also something to behold.  Beyond just bondage, he mostly taunts me with food and idea of not sharing it with me.   A foodist, if you will.  Anything from keeping pizza and matcha kit-kats away from me to telling me how much he hates avocado, nothing is too sacred in my life for him to try to use against me.  But he's also been a great sounding board, someone I can text sporadically throughout the day to ask questions about quesadillas, or check in when I'm feeling the inevitable drop from playing too hard.

Rope, kink- it's a trust game.  For me, it's probably one of the hardest parts of kink.  It's hard for me to develop that level of trust for most people, which is why the pool of people for whom I'll bottom for is pretty much still in the single digits, despite being a million kink years old.  I have to really trust someone beyond a normal amount of trust if they're planning on stringing me up and tossing me around.

I'm not really sure what caused the little switch in my brain to flip from "don't trust" to "trust", but it's been that way for a while and I couldn't be happier with my friendship and play with Meymoon.

and if I can trust someone to taunt me with food, I can trust them unequivocally. So, when approached with the idea of trusting in something dumb, I was all for it.

Sometimes, I have the strangest FOMO (fear of missing out) because while we labbed/played, I remember thinking "Man, I am so envious I can't see what's happening, I really want to learn."  I couldn't really tell you what happened, but it hurt. In the best way possible.  I flipped through some of the images and still don't really understand what I'm looking at.

I got some pretty neat shots and I edited them poorly.  Because not a photographer or editor.

Negative Feels Bubble

I hate being that guy, but I'm totally going to be that guy for a minute.

I'm a pretty good fucking rope bottom.

It feels funny to say (type?) that.  And it feels funnier to read.  and most of all, it's super awkward when someone else tells me that.  I've spent so much time focusing on my weaknesses and shortcoming that I forget to take a look at some of my strengths. and sometimes, I forget something that once was a weakness no longer exists because I've put the time and effort to make the change.  

We all get trapped in the negative feels bubble sometimes.  And with the way the world is, sometimes all you ever see is the dark side of things.

But the great thing about bubbles? They eventually pop.  Sometimes on their own.  Sometimes with a little help.

BDSLR sent me some great images that he captured from November Krakens' Lair.  I gave him a hard time since it's pretty much April now, but sometimes good things are worth waiting for.  and BDSLR was the needle I needed to pop some negative feels bubbles this evening.

I looked through some of these photos 3-5 times over, just trying to wrap my head around some of these ties.  How can someone with as many deficits as I do be able to do something like that?  Camera magic?  Really clever angles?  Stunt robot body double?

No, in the end, it's just me. It's my hard work.  It's my sweat and my blood and my tears. 

It's just me.

BED's Launch Party, "Rigger's Ego"

UPDATE: Youtube hates us, so this video has been moved to Vimeo.  It's password protected.  The password is mocolovesbeemo

Last weekend, Moco and I had the honor of being the headliners for BED's Launch party.  This is a first for us, being headliners- we're typically called on to be the opening act.  It's never bothered us to be seen as the openers for someone else; we were just happy someone thought of us and that we could share the stage with some world class artists.

It was a bit nerve-racking to be the headliner, even more than I thought it would be.

I'm pleased to present our performance, which I've named "Rigger's Ego."  It's the story about an asshole rigger who breaks the heart of his rope bottom ;) but then makes up for it with more rope.

PS: Did I mention I'm 30 years old?  I'm doing this at 30.  Think about that for a while.

M0co and Beemo at BED's Launch Party, "Rigger's Ego" from BeemoBot! on Vimeo.

Opening for Nawashi Kanna and Kagu Ra. Plus Travel dates!

A few months ago, Moco and I had the honor and privilege to be the opening performance for Nawashi Kanna and Kagu-Ra.  TheHammer was kind enough to record and edit it for us.  Here's the video.  Comments and suggestions are always appreciated!



M0co and Beemo from Hammer N Roxy on Vimeo.

Moco and I will be traveling quite a bit in the next few weeks.  We're super excited about it (and possibly ridiculously nervous).  Please come check us out!

Aug 28-30 MI (SINergy)
Sept 3-10 SF, CA (3 Day Moco and Beemo rope intensive)
Sept 11-14 Portland, OR (3 Day Moco and Beemo rope intensive)

Oct 10-11 Dallas, TX (BED Launch Party)

BED2015 Wishlist!

BED is right around the corner and I have a wishlist!

• If you see me and recognize me, please come say hi. I'm horribly awfully shy and anxious at large events and I often hide behind M0co or a group of close friends. I'd like to be able to leave BED this year meeting and having a conversation with at least 5 new people.

• If we haven't met, please ask to touch me beforehand. Nuff said.

• If you say hi to M0co, please also say hi to me. 9 times out of 10, people will go out of their way to introduce themselves to M0co and ignore me. I don't think most people are doing it purposefully and, to be fair, I often don't want to interrupt a conversation with the whole, "HI, I AM ALSO HERE. HI." It would mean a lot to me for someone to just to say hi, even if you don't really want to talk to me.

• Please ask me questions during class! I'm more than just a demo bottom for our classes. If you have questions from the inside the rope perspective (or as a top that tends to be smaller than their bottom) please don't hesitate to ask. I can't help you if you don't ask questions :)

• I am currently looking to expand my bottoming perspective. I am pretty bad about asking people to play- I think I've asked a few, but if tying me seems like something that wouldn't suck for you, please don't hesitate to ask. Also, if I say no, please respect that. I also like bottoming for things besides rope (!), so if you have other interests, please shoot me a message.

• As for topping, I am currently only topping those with whom I have a personal relationship. That usually means someone I've met at least once and have conversations with. I just feel safer that way and it allows me to figure out if I am compatible with a person. If you fit into that category, let me know :)

See you guys in BED ;)

The Perfect Suffer

I've never been good at 'faking it', the 'it' being subjective to whatever situation I happen find myself.  I was never big on faking orgasms, I'm often horribly blunt about how I feel about a person much to the chagrin of M0co, my parents, AND my therapist, I don't like playing weird games.  If I'm up during a manic episode, you'll know it.  If I'm trapped in crippling depression, you'll also probably notice it (although in those cases, I do try to fake it until I make it.)

So why should my suffering during play be any different?

Last weekend, M0co and I headed up to Philly again to celebrate the birthday of a friend of ours.  It was a small, quiet little get together, with only one or two familiar faces.  Most of the people there were new to me.  It's kind of fantastic to be able to escape to a place where you aren't forced to work, and yes, almost all play parties have turned into work since M0co LLC'd.  Just a few friends and a few more strangers.

It wasn't an actual play party, but there was a hard point set up, so we decided to take advantage of a rare opportunity to actually play and not feel like we were performing.  So M0co did what he does best: he makes me suffer for him.  It wasn't showy or perfectly executed, but that's how we like it.  We shared a moment of honesty and intimacy, connecting with rope and each other.

Strangely, I get a lot of compliments on my suffering, like I'm doing an exceptional job at being distressed and hurt.  I joke about my 'suffer face' and say something along the lines of, "Thanks! I made it myself!" or I just redirect the compliments somewhere else.  It's always uncomfortable to me when people are praising me for something I'm not intentionally working on.  Or maybe I just really suck at accepting praise, blame my very Asian upbringing where doing exceptionally well is doing your job.

Sometime during all the celebration and complements that night, it finally occurred to me that people can tell when you're faking it in a scene, regardless of how amazing the acting may be.  The over exaggerated sigh, the too perfectly time wince- it's amazing how these things can turn a beautiful playtime into something grotesque.  but it happens all the time.  I blame photography. 100%.

Because how can anyone truly know you're suffering without the absolute perfect image of you pouting, lips curled just so, with your eyes shining with the threat of tears? People are constantly striving for The Perfect Suffer,that they forget to actually...you know, suffer.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love photos.  I enjoy setting up photo shoots and I even don't hate photos of myself when taken during play.  I think the problem lies in everyone thinking they NEED to have The Perfect Suffer.  Whether it's to prove their Domliness (hey, everyone does it), or their submissiveliness, everyone's always chasing this perfect image around.  The problem is, in trying to re-create and force The Perfect Suffer, you just get...ashes.

The Perfect Suffer has nothing to do with how your hair falls in a certain way, or the obvious strain in your body.  I think The Perfect Suffer is when you are the most honest with yourself and you let yourself be lost in the moment.

DomWithLens, possibly one of the most talented photographers I know, is a big fan of catching 'moments' as opposed to taking photos from a shoot, and sent me a couple of incredible images.  I'm always excited to see what he's captured and so far, he hasn't let me down.

Photography by DomWithLens
Rope is M0coJute

Snow Day

Well, the entire Metro area closed down yesterday for about an inch of snow.  I'm not complaining- I got the day off and got to take some pretty pictures.

It finally dawned on M0co that in order to sell his rope, he would have to sell out.  Okay, maybe not sell out per say, but he would have to cater to his clientele a little bit more than he was--he was going to have to start taking pretty pictures.  So, armed with a decently good camera and a very basic knowledge and skillset of photoshop and lighting, M0co's been making some very beautiful images.

M: Me Rigger/Rope/Photographer: M0co

M: Me Rigger/Rope/Photographer: M0co

M: me Rigger/Rope/Photographer: M0co

Look at me! In all my majesty! It was ridiculously cold with no underwear on.  Never realized how much heat genitalia produce.  Our newest room-mate, Trip, shrugged and told me in the most matter-of-fact way, "Years of evolution has ensured us warm genitalia."

It still feels like a sham to call myself a model.  I'm really just a thing that goes inside another thing-- the rope and M0co are doing all the hard work. I just have to not break for 10-15 minutes, which is pretty easy without someone hitting and choking me.

Kimono in the snow is something I've been wanting to do for a while, despite my intense hatred for all things cold and snow.  As much as I complained, I have to admit, I do like these photos.  Which is rare because I kinda hate all photos of me that aren't of me playing.

This shot was taken in my backyard more or less, in which "kids" (the person in question was over 18) were out building snow people, neighbors were locked away in their apartments, and there were puppy paw prints everywhere.  If the shots were a little wider, you could totally see the apartment complex or the townhouses.  Good thing we know how to crop the hell out of things.

Strangely fitting, I really missed having kannukis in my gote for this shoot. I know the latest trend has been to banish the evil kannuki because it tends to increase the risk of nerve damage by a lot, but...I like not falling out of a gote.