This blog contains, but isn't limited to, graphic sexual horror, BDSM, sex, robots, science, food, rock climbing, bouldering, politics and general bric-a-brac. Not suitable for children under 18. Honestly, probably not suitable for most humans.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

'What are you? A Weekday Monogamist?'

As anyone who bothers to read my blog could tell you, I fight with myself a lot on the whole monogamy/polyamory thing.  I'm constantly flip flopping on whether I am poly or not.  A lot of my monogamy comes from society and my own insecurities ("If he can date ANYONE, he's going to leave me for someone better.")  Not to mention that my emotional development was heavily impeded by years of not getting therapy and drug use.

My confusion only got worse when M0co decided to become somewhat famous.  Not only is he handsome, funny, and a genuinely nice human being, he's now also got the hashtag #ropemakinggenuis attached to him.  Unfortunately, that does bring around about half a dozen girls every week that want to play with him. or more. 

Jealousy.  Loneliness. Abandonment.  Those are just some of the unlovely feelings and thoughts that ran through my underdeveloped, child-like brain. and maybe the worst feelings I had of all were guilt and sheer disappointment in myself. 

How was it okay for me to want to be with other people, possibly love them, but suddenly it wasn't okay for M0co to do so?  Why was I so convinced he'd find someone better and leave me?  Why wasn't he afraid I would do the same?

So, for a while, it was a rough ride.  I'd break up with M0co after every major rope event. I'd either be angry or sad, or both.  Smiling was increasingly difficult.  I started hating any person (not even just the women that M0co is attracted to) that would treat M0co like a king and push me off to the side.  It finally got to a breaking point before M0co did what any man does for someone he loves, he got me help.

After months of therapy, I sometimes even wonder if I'm making progress answering the question on whether I'm poly or not.  A friend of mine lovingly refers to me as a 'weekday monogamist' -someone who is probably monogamous during most of their week, but has relationships on the weekends.  It's not...untrue.

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