This blog contains, but isn't limited to, graphic sexual horror, BDSM, sex, robots, science, food, rock climbing, bouldering, politics and general bric-a-brac. Not suitable for children under 18. Honestly, probably not suitable for most humans.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Crawling out of BED(2015)

I've been home for over 48 hours now, but my brain is still lingering somewhere in downtown Dallas.  BED2015 occurred last weekend, and, unlike almost all other cons I've ever attended, I finally felt mentally and physically prepared to handle a larger-scale event.  I had established boundaries, voiced my concerns, held my breath and jumped.

Classes went smoothly, play dates I managed to make were fantastic.  No mental breakdowns.  No need for emergency escape plans.  I even potentially made new friends. Me!  I think I met every goal I set for myself, maybe even surpassed my expectations.

Despite dating The Cat for almost a year (or possibly over a year? I am indeed the worst boi-friend), I finally got to tie her.  She was her perfect self, wearing an adorable sailor outfit, her two pig-tail braids slightly askew, her bright red lips always cracked in a beautiful smile.  I remember wanting to smear her lipstick, to see her body strain, and ache for me.  I didn't want to make her cry, but I wanted her to come close to it.  I wanted her to know that if I wanted to, I was fully capable of it.

I, of course, got what I wanted. Sleighbelle was a lot tougher than I had imagined she would be, so I'm exceedingly proud of her.  I'm told I'm not easy on my bottoms, perhaps it's a side effect of having an Owner who isn't easy on me.  She did wonderfully and I'm told that she still gets starry-eyed thinking about my stiletto on her throat.

Surprisingly, I managed to bottom to three other people.  This is a record for me, since I have a lot of fears of consent violations.  The recent surfacing of major violations really didn't help my fear, but after expressing my worries, the internet was like...calm down. and yes, I actually took the advice of the internet.  I must be desperate.

Unexpectedly, I ended up doing a ground tie with FredRx.  We had met in Florida during FIRE (I'm told I had actually met him at BED the year before, but whatever).  Physically speaking, he's EXACTLY what attracted me to Moco, it was a little mind-fucky.  There were plenty of moments where I nearly jumped on his back to bite his neck, thinking he was Moco.  Or knowing he wasn't and was curious as to what his reaction would be.  I imagine he would just throw me to the ground and choke me a bit :) but he would probably have just been really confused, possibly concerned that he may need a rabies shot.

The ground tie was, for lack of a better word, primal.  It reminded me of a lot of rape fantasies I used to have before Moco turned most of them into reality for me.   There was no sugar-y coating, no gentle pretense.  There was no power struggle because I didn't have any and Fred had it all.  and it felt...right.

Somewhere between the face slapping, the fingers down my throat, tears streaming down my face, and this devilish spiked glass ball being plied to my skin, I tried to remember why I was so afraid to play with other people. Could it always be this fun?  Or was it just because FredRx was hitting all the right types of pain and power plays?  The thoughts didn't last long, pain usually gets the better of me and before I knew it, I wasn't thinking at all anymore. 

High on my list of accomplishments was having enough confidence to flirt with Canadian-cowboy, Tho4ns, in person.  I had begun my pseudo-attempts on the internet, most notably #HatWatch2014, last October, when I had met him in Philly for the Twisted Halloween Intensive.  My attraction to him started out from his work, as he's super fucking talented with rope and a camera, but his lean frame and warm smile don't hurt his case, either.  I had no idea how to let him know about my childish crush- he and I have nothing in common besides an unreasonable love for Moco and his jute.  So I was stuck.

Sometime Saturday night, someone was running around the playspace yelling, "THORNS IS GIVING LAP DANCES!".  Finally!  My in that I've been waiting for!  I can work with this! Like a puppy desperate for attention, I went running into the space, only to be let down.  "Sorry, 'Thorns' with an 'R', not 'Thorns' with a '4'" someone told me.  Hopes and expectations, meet the floor.

I became unreasonably angry.  How dare Tho4ns take away my in!  And yes, I know that he didn't actually do anything at this point, but still!  Rage and disappointment don't listen to reason.  So I did the only thing I could think of, I went to the internet and tweeted that Tho4ns owed me a lapdance. 

Poor Tho4ns, he must be concerned that there's a hyper American constantly bothering him via tweets.

Sunday night, after the performances, Moco managed to get Tho4ns, enboldened by just enough alcohol, to give me the dance.  It was brief, maybe less than a minute total, but it was worth it.

A lot of undulating, wanton hip grinding.  A shiny belt buckle centimeters way from my mouth.  I remember fighting the urge to grab him and place a kiss on his belt buckle, but I constantly reminded myself that you must not touch the dancers.  Never touch without permission.

Of course, Moco did what he normally does and told Tho4ns about my ridiculous crush on him.  I don't think he acknowledged it, but he definitely didn't seem disgusted by it, so I take it as a personal victory.

Sometime today, Tho4ns tweeted this to me.  It's made me unreasonably happy.

You really can never un-see that.

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