Love Songs

"Love Songs" Performed by M0co and Beemo from BeemoBot! on Vimeo.

Again, sometimes I forget how lucky I am.  In six short years, I've had the chance to share the stage with world class riggers and rope bottoms and last May was no exception.  Opening for Hajime Kinoko and Ika-chan was really one of the highest moments for Moco and myself.  Kinoko-san may be one of the biggest influences when it comes to Moco's rope style, even if it's not really evident.  We spent the earliest years of our relationship watching low-res videos of his Cyber Rope performances, pausing and replaying various transitions in hopes to unraveling some of the magic that is Kinoko's stage presence.

This performance was a bit different for us: everyone's used to the very show-boat-y, larger than life attitude that Moco and I bring.  I think it may have caught a couple people off guard, but I think this may be one of our most beautiful shows to date.  In the very least, it felt to be the most intimate and, for me, that's what rope is really about.

Many thanks to Rigger Jay for recording and editing this performance for us.

The Stress

I like to live my days in a constant state of stress.  No, maybe 'like' isn't the right word.  It's more like I need to live in a constant state of stress.  When my world is always on the brink of explosion, covered in deadlines, fraught with sleepless nights, that's when I churn out my best work.  I can't explain it, I don't try to understand it.  It's how it's been for years and how it's always going to be.

I know it sounds bad.   Most people opt for as stress-free life as possible.  "How can you operate?  How do you not break down?  How can you be so calm when everything is basically falling apart?"  and to be honest, I do break down.  Often.  Just like any and everyone else does.

I know my brain.  I know if I let up, it'll fail me.  I'll fail me.  At this point in my life, I refuse to fail myself.

I spent a good portion of my youth numbing my brain and ostensibly not feeling stress because...well, I wouldn't let myself feel anything emotionally or physically.  and isn't that so much worse?  I would rather be in a constant state of panic than to ever allow myself to be numb to the world.  It means I can feel.  It means I care.

Anyways, stress isn't a bad thing in my mind-  don't we all stress our bodies as rope bottoms?  Don't we all test ourselves to see what we can do?  How we break?  How we put ourselves back together?

BDSLR sent me a few images from a few weeks (or maybe months, I stopped keeping track of time when it comes to his editing ;).  All I could think of when I got the images was "Look at all this stress I'm under.  Look at me survive it."

Not-so-Imposter-Syndrome (AKA BED2016)

"Impostor syndrome describes a situation where someone feels like an impostor or fraud because they think that they have duped the people around them, their boss for example, into believing that their accomplishments are of a high calibre, but in fact believe that their accomplishments are nowhere near as good as the praise or promotions they are accorded based on those accomplishments. They have a fear of being "found out" one day to be lacking the skills and intelligence they are perceived to have. Usually, their accomplishments are just as good, and the person is applying an unfairly high standard to themself (and not to others). It's especially common in fields where people's work is constantly under review by talented peers, such as academia or Open Source Software, or taking on a new job." (Geek Feminism Wiki) 

I don't know if you know this about Moco or myself, but we suffer from SEVERE imposter syndrome.  We're still waitng for the day when everyone opens their eyes and realizes, "Hey...you know what?  They're not that good...at all, why do we keep bringing them around?" At first, we were excited about it, like we were getting away with something bad, but the longer we continue to be around, the more the paranoia developed.  Why?  Why were we allowed to even be in the same space as our more talented peers?

This is particularly true when we end up at rope-centric cons, like Bondage Expo Dallas (BED).  BED has quite the reputation for bringing out the big guns, a veritable who's who of rope.  And yet somehow, viola! Here be Moco and Beemo.  Like....what???  How could we even deserve to be listed on the same shirt as international presenters whose teaching experience is longer than our actual relationship? We're just a couple of no-good scrubby kids from Charm City, making the joint a million times less classy with our rap music and our brass knuckles and my Lilo and Stitch cosplay (more on that in a future post, probably).

But BED came and went like a blur and I actually felt...not so imposter-y.  and I don't know why.  Come Sunday at 6 pm, I felt like I was a real presenter for once.  and now just because BED really knows how to care for their presenters, which is all too rare in today's world of BDSM conferences and events.  I felt like I actually knew what I was talking about, that the entire class was engaged.  and maybe even more importantly, they were enjoying themselves the entire time. and it felt so good.  I'm hoping I'll always feel that way when we present or perform, but I'm pretty sure the feeling of non-imposter-ism is fleeting.

I'm told imposter syndrome is a fairly normal occurrence, that everyone feels like they haven't deserved whatever accolades they've received.  I wonder how they handle it.

In that Stupid Way

When I first saw you, I fell in love with you a little bit, in that stupid way you fall in love with a complete stranger.  I didn't know anything about you nor you me, but I knew that there was something there.

When I first spoke to you, I tried to play it cool, in that stupid way you play cool by making nonsensical small talk.  I wanted to say something meaningful, but fell short.  All I got was  "The weather is nice," "Cool shoes," and "Like, you know, whatever."

When I first touched you, I wanted to stay calm, in that stupid way you stay calm by pretending you're doing something clinical and cold.  My hands were shaking and my breath was shallow, but you didn't seem to mind.  Maybe you were shaking a bit, too.

In the end, I managed to connect with you, in the smartest way I could: honestly.

My 6 Week Love Disease

I'm not sure if there's been something in the water, but this week has been full of really interesting conversations on love and relationships.  I think that, by and large, I end up tuning out most of these talks and threads because it's never been something that resonated with me.  Love is a loaded word. and words having meaning.

Spiral, a longtime friend of mine, sent me this a few days ago.

The nerd in me recognized it instantly! Robert's Triangular Theory of Love (Thanks, minor in psychology! I know you'd help me some day!)  I had briefly learned about this during my last semester of undergraduate, but don't think it was ever laid out so well.  and I also never applied it to myself.

The more I spoke to Spiral about relationships, the more ze has helped me clear up some thoughts and feelings I have.  Ze is probably not even aware how helpful it's been for me to text with hir daily.  and this particular conversation was an eye-opener.

For a long time, I used to joke that I have "6 Week Love Disease".  I can fall in love with my whole heart for about 6 weeks. No, that's not accurate.  I can fall in heavy, heavy lust.  When that 7th week comes around, if it's not something that has caught my attention, I'll drop it like a hot rock. It's the reason why I don't eat yogurt anymore or why there is numerous random half started projects throughout my home.  It's why there's a string of lovers I never contact ever again after several weeks of fast-paced, seemingly passionate fucking.

According to Robert's theory, a lot of romantic relationships start off with just passion (aka infatuation), but feelings of commitment and intimacy will usually develop over time. I just have never felt the need to allow those other components to grow.  Whether it's out of fear or laziness, I'm not sure.

In the last year or so, I realized that I don't have to have 6 Week Disease.  I can want more than just passion for a short period of time, so I've grown my sickness into a 6 Week Theory or Test.  I'm working on reigning in the passion (aka the horrible aching need to fuck and fuck constantly) and testing my ability to grow intimacy and commitment with new relationships.  and in the last year, I can see the difference in how I develop relationships and feel about people.  Yes, I still want the body, the sweat, the tears.

but yes, I also want more.

BED2016 Wishlist

I can't believe a year has gone by already and we're quickly approaching another BED! I have a couple of wishes for this year's event, many pretty similar (exactly identical?) to the post I made last year!

• If you see me and recognize me (or don't recognize me, but think I would be interesting to speak to), please come say hi. I'm horribly awfully shy and anxious at large events and I often hide behind M0co or a group of close friends. I'd like to be able to leave BED this year meeting and having a conversation with at least 5 new people.
• If we haven't met, please ask to touch me beforehand. Nuff said.
• If you say hi to M0co, please also say hi to me. 9 times out of 10, people will go out of their way to introduce themselves to M0co and ignore me. I don't think most people are doing it purposefully and, to be fair, I often don't want to interrupt a conversation with the whole, "HI, I AM ALSO HERE. HI." It would mean a lot to me for someone to just to say hi, even if you don't really want to talk to me.
• Please ask me questions during class! I'm more than just a demo bottom. If you have questions from the inside the rope perspective (or as a top that tends to be smaller than their bottom) please don't hesitate to ask. I can't help you if you don't ask questions :)
• I am currently looking to expand my bottoming perspective. I am pretty bad about asking people to play- I think I've asked a few, but if tying me seems like something that wouldn't suck for you, please don't hesitate to ask. Also, if I say no, please respect that. I also like bottoming for things besides rope (!), so if you have other interests, please shoot me a message.
• As for topping, I am currently only topping those with whom I have some kind of relationship with- usually this means I've either met them or have spoken to them enough to feel like I would be comfortable playing with them.

See you all in BED ;)

Processing. Trust. Idiocy.

"So, I wanna try something dumb, but I wanna try this dumb thing on someone I trust to tell me if it's too dumb."

It's not a sentence most people hear often, but I feel like it's a fairly regular exchange I have with Meymoon (aka Tegoiss), a seemingly overnight rope top sensation from the DMV.  I've been lucky to watch his exponential growth in rope in his short time being in public kink.  His dedication to bondage is something to behold.

His dedication to making sure I remember he's a sadist on every possible level is also something to behold.  Beyond just bondage, he mostly taunts me with food and idea of not sharing it with me.   A foodist, if you will.  Anything from keeping pizza and matcha kit-kats away from me to telling me how much he hates avocado, nothing is too sacred in my life for him to try to use against me.  But he's also been a great sounding board, someone I can text sporadically throughout the day to ask questions about quesadillas, or check in when I'm feeling the inevitable drop from playing too hard.

Rope, kink- it's a trust game.  For me, it's probably one of the hardest parts of kink.  It's hard for me to develop that level of trust for most people, which is why the pool of people for whom I'll bottom for is pretty much still in the single digits, despite being a million kink years old.  I have to really trust someone beyond a normal amount of trust if they're planning on stringing me up and tossing me around.

I'm not really sure what caused the little switch in my brain to flip from "don't trust" to "trust", but it's been that way for a while and I couldn't be happier with my friendship and play with Meymoon.

and if I can trust someone to taunt me with food, I can trust them unequivocally. So, when approached with the idea of trusting in something dumb, I was all for it.

Sometimes, I have the strangest FOMO (fear of missing out) because while we labbed/played, I remember thinking "Man, I am so envious I can't see what's happening, I really want to learn."  I couldn't really tell you what happened, but it hurt. In the best way possible.  I flipped through some of the images and still don't really understand what I'm looking at.

I got some pretty neat shots and I edited them poorly.  Because not a photographer or editor.

Negative Feels Bubble

I hate being that guy, but I'm totally going to be that guy for a minute.

I'm a pretty good fucking rope bottom.

It feels funny to say (type?) that.  And it feels funnier to read.  and most of all, it's super awkward when someone else tells me that.  I've spent so much time focusing on my weaknesses and shortcoming that I forget to take a look at some of my strengths. and sometimes, I forget something that once was a weakness no longer exists because I've put the time and effort to make the change.  

We all get trapped in the negative feels bubble sometimes.  And with the way the world is, sometimes all you ever see is the dark side of things.

But the great thing about bubbles? They eventually pop.  Sometimes on their own.  Sometimes with a little help.

BDSLR sent me some great images that he captured from November Krakens' Lair.  I gave him a hard time since it's pretty much April now, but sometimes good things are worth waiting for.  and BDSLR was the needle I needed to pop some negative feels bubbles this evening.

I looked through some of these photos 3-5 times over, just trying to wrap my head around some of these ties.  How can someone with as many deficits as I do be able to do something like that?  Camera magic?  Really clever angles?  Stunt robot body double?

No, in the end, it's just me. It's my hard work.  It's my sweat and my blood and my tears. 

It's just me.

Offering Private Lessons!

Photography by: TwistedView

Now that Mocojute Laboratories is up and running, Moco and I are offering private rope lessons.  Located in Frederick, MD, Mocojute laboratories a private rope studio, perfect for teaching tops and bottoms alike.

The structure of our private lessons tends to be a little open-ended.  We generally start by asking both the top and bottom (yes, there's a lot of bottom education that occurs in our private lessons) what experiences they have had in rope.  From there, we work together to figure out the best way to go about the lesson to help achieve everyone's goals.

We often teach our private lessons in Moco's style of tying and my style of pain processing.  This by no means is the only style available and we definitely do not believe that our way is the ONE TWUE WAY to tie or bottom, but if our style is something that interests you, please contact us for private lesson info.

Mocojute Laboratories!

About 2 months ago, Moco  made the big move to leasing his own space to create personal rope studio in which he could go whenever he wanted to make rope, do rope, rope rope...rope.  I remember him texting and calling me- he was incredibly excited and he wanted me to be there with me when he went to go sign the lease.

When I was first there, the space was, to put it mildly, was an absolute train-wreck,  There were leaks everywhere, a very suspect smell of possibly dead animals, no plumbing or electricity, and I honestly 100% believe that the landlord was a level-1 hoarder.  The warehouse had accumulated so much garbage and crap--a pile of tires, parts of kitchen fixtures, a babydoll's head--that I couldn't imagine what it would look like cleaned up and empty.

I have to give it to Moco and his landlord- they were able to get all the stuff out, clean up the floors, fix the plumbing and electricity.  The space really started to show a lot of potential to being a great space for Moco to make rope.  and it was also starting to show potential for something else...

 Ropework: Moco, rope provided by Knot_Head Nylon

BED's Launch Party, "Rigger's Ego"

UPDATE: Youtube hates us, so this video has been moved to Vimeo.  It's password protected.  The password is mocolovesbeemo

Last weekend, Moco and I had the honor of being the headliners for BED's Launch party.  This is a first for us, being headliners- we're typically called on to be the opening act.  It's never bothered us to be seen as the openers for someone else; we were just happy someone thought of us and that we could share the stage with some world class artists.

It was a bit nerve-racking to be the headliner, even more than I thought it would be.

I'm pleased to present our performance, which I've named "Rigger's Ego."  It's the story about an asshole rigger who breaks the heart of his rope bottom ;) but then makes up for it with more rope.

PS: Did I mention I'm 30 years old?  I'm doing this at 30.  Think about that for a while.

M0co and Beemo at BED's Launch Party, "Rigger's Ego" from BeemoBot! on Vimeo.

Three-....Oh. (and MBE Baltimore Pictures because we all love pictures)

In 6 days from now, I turn 30.

Think on that, 3 decades of being alive.  Well, 'alive.' I've wasted plenty of years being alive without actually living.  Addictions are like that, but that's a story for some other time.

30.

When I first got into bondage, rope bottoming was pretty much a young girl's' game.  I remember the looks I got when I told people I was 25- the somewhat saddened pity.  The "Ah, you're a late-comer, that's so sad," nod of 'understanding', knowing that, in a few years, I would be obsolete and that Moco would likely trade me in for someone youthful, someone more meant to be bottoming.  Piled on top of that were a plethora of no good feels: I'm not the thinnest, or most in shape, or most beautiful.  My elbows didn't touch.  I was a tragic mess of a rope bottom who only had a shelf-life of 4-5 years tops.

I remember thinking, "If only I could stay 25 forever!  People will want me in their ropes!  Turning 30 is going to be the tragic end of my rope bottoming career and I've only just started!"

Times, they are a-changing.

Granted, rope bottoming is still (mostly) a young girl's game, but I've seen it grow and expand.  There's a fair mix of all genders bottoming in rope. and of all ages.  and I'm not obsolete.  Far from it.

I'm still not the thinnest (not that I care to be), the fittest, the more flexible (my elbows still don't touch), but I'm also not the oldest rope bottom.  Which is fucking cool.  Knowing that I can age gracefully, suffer-faced, and body contorted, is a warming thought.

Besides, I think I'm making 30 look pretty damn good.  Check out these awesome pictures from Morpheous' Bondage Extravaganza.  Thanks to the awesome photographers Twisted View, Dom with Lens, and iambic9 for the amazing images!

Opening for Nawashi Kanna and Kagu Ra. Plus Travel dates!

A few months ago, Moco and I had the honor and privilege to be the opening performance for Nawashi Kanna and Kagu-Ra.  TheHammer was kind enough to record and edit it for us.  Here's the video.  Comments and suggestions are always appreciated!



M0co and Beemo from Hammer N Roxy on Vimeo.

Moco and I will be traveling quite a bit in the next few weeks.  We're super excited about it (and possibly ridiculously nervous).  Please come check us out!

Aug 28-30 MI (SINergy)
Sept 3-10 SF, CA (3 Day Moco and Beemo rope intensive)
Sept 11-14 Portland, OR (3 Day Moco and Beemo rope intensive)

Oct 10-11 Dallas, TX (BED Launch Party)

Too lazy to Update

Have a picture instead.  Shot taken by Moco.  Ropework done by Moco.  Bound in Wykd Moco.  Rope can be purchased on Mocojute.com.

Hopefully, the next time I update, I will have a video of our performance from when we opened for Nawashi Kanna and Kagu Ra.  Looking forward to it!

MBE Bmore 2015!

I guess I should have kept it a secret by not writing it in the title, but guess what, guys?

MBE is featuring Baltimore as a satellite city this year!  Charm City is going to be hosting a night of amazing bondage art and we absolutely cannot wait.

I mean, is it really a surprise that B-more was chosen?  The DMV really is Rope Mecca: the ropey-est place in all of the rope world.  I'm happy we'll finally be able to showcase some of the amazing, blossoming talent our area has to offer.

Since Bmore is only a stone's throw away from NYC, Philly, NJ, and the Carolinas, I suspect we'll get in tons of apps up and down the east coast.  We're really looking forward it!

#MBEBmore2015 will be hosted on September 19th, which means people attending this event can still apply to the other satellite locations, including the live event in Toronto!  

So let's get those applications in and show everyone the amazing fucking talent we have to offer!

MBE FUCK YEAH.

My Ropelationship with Murphy Blue

I had meant to write this originally about 2 years ago, when I first was tied by Murphy Blue, the dynamic and passionate rigger from NYC, but I felt like I didn't have the words to express it properly.  Again, last year, after playing at BED, I wanted to write, but my brain wouldn't cooperate with my feelings.

It's now a year later, and I'm wondering if this task is impossible.  Murphy and I played again, a year later, at BED, and it was long overdue.  I've thought about a million ways to describe the intensity, the intimacy, but I kept coming short.  At first, I thought it was because I am a poor writer- nothing I tapped into this little text window seemed to be fitting, nothing seemed to capture the moment the way it was.  I think this might be my fourth or fifth attempt to just describe BED2015 with Murphy.  I'm just not that talented.

But as I'm writing this, I think I finally have realized that the reason I have such a hard time writing anything is because I don't want to share those experiences, those stolen moments I share with Murphy.  It's selfish, really.  There's something very extraordinarily personal when he ties me and I just can't quite bring myself to let the world into my brain and heart when it comes to my rope-lationship with the one and only BlueRisk.

I will say that Murphy was the first person I trusted besides Moco to tie me more than once- and he never failed to live up to that trust.  He's someone I felt like I didn't have to guard myself to, to protect my feelings and emotions from.  And anything I've ever given to him always seemed to comeback tenfold.  It really just more than bottoming to Murphy, more than just being in his rope. It's like being enveloped in the best story, a beautifully written novella, created just for you.

This post feels like it's ending on a weird note, but that's because it's not ending.  Like my ropelationship, it's just beginning to start.  

Crawling out of BED(2015)

I've been home for over 48 hours now, but my brain is still lingering somewhere in downtown Dallas.  BED2015 occurred last weekend, and, unlike almost all other cons I've ever attended, I finally felt mentally and physically prepared to handle a larger-scale event.  I had established boundaries, voiced my concerns, held my breath and jumped.

Classes went smoothly, play dates I managed to make were fantastic.  No mental breakdowns.  No need for emergency escape plans.  I even potentially made new friends. Me!  I think I met every goal I set for myself, maybe even surpassed my expectations.

Despite dating The Cat for almost a year (or possibly over a year? I am indeed the worst boi-friend), I finally got to tie her.  She was her perfect self, wearing an adorable sailor outfit, her two pig-tail braids slightly askew, her bright red lips always cracked in a beautiful smile.  I remember wanting to smear her lipstick, to see her body strain, and ache for me.  I didn't want to make her cry, but I wanted her to come close to it.  I wanted her to know that if I wanted to, I was fully capable of it.

I, of course, got what I wanted. Sleighbelle was a lot tougher than I had imagined she would be, so I'm exceedingly proud of her.  I'm told I'm not easy on my bottoms, perhaps it's a side effect of having an Owner who isn't easy on me.  She did wonderfully and I'm told that she still gets starry-eyed thinking about my stiletto on her throat.

Surprisingly, I managed to bottom to three other people.  This is a record for me, since I have a lot of fears of consent violations.  The recent surfacing of major violations really didn't help my fear, but after expressing my worries, the internet was like...calm down. and yes, I actually took the advice of the internet.  I must be desperate.

Unexpectedly, I ended up doing a ground tie with FredRx.  We had met in Florida during FIRE (I'm told I had actually met him at BED the year before, but whatever).  Physically speaking, he's EXACTLY what attracted me to Moco, it was a little mind-fucky.  There were plenty of moments where I nearly jumped on his back to bite his neck, thinking he was Moco.  Or knowing he wasn't and was curious as to what his reaction would be.  I imagine he would just throw me to the ground and choke me a bit :) but he would probably have just been really confused, possibly concerned that he may need a rabies shot.

The ground tie was, for lack of a better word, primal.  It reminded me of a lot of rape fantasies I used to have before Moco turned most of them into reality for me.   There was no sugar-y coating, no gentle pretense.  There was no power struggle because I didn't have any and Fred had it all.  and it felt...right.

Somewhere between the face slapping, the fingers down my throat, tears streaming down my face, and this devilish spiked glass ball being plied to my skin, I tried to remember why I was so afraid to play with other people. Could it always be this fun?  Or was it just because FredRx was hitting all the right types of pain and power plays?  The thoughts didn't last long, pain usually gets the better of me and before I knew it, I wasn't thinking at all anymore. 

High on my list of accomplishments was having enough confidence to flirt with Canadian-cowboy, Tho4ns, in person.  I had begun my pseudo-attempts on the internet, most notably #HatWatch2014, last October, when I had met him in Philly for the Twisted Halloween Intensive.  My attraction to him started out from his work, as he's super fucking talented with rope and a camera, but his lean frame and warm smile don't hurt his case, either.  I had no idea how to let him know about my childish crush- he and I have nothing in common besides an unreasonable love for Moco and his jute.  So I was stuck.

Sometime Saturday night, someone was running around the playspace yelling, "THORNS IS GIVING LAP DANCES!".  Finally!  My in that I've been waiting for!  I can work with this! Like a puppy desperate for attention, I went running into the space, only to be let down.  "Sorry, 'Thorns' with an 'R', not 'Thorns' with a '4'" someone told me.  Hopes and expectations, meet the floor.

I became unreasonably angry.  How dare Tho4ns take away my in!  And yes, I know that he didn't actually do anything at this point, but still!  Rage and disappointment don't listen to reason.  So I did the only thing I could think of, I went to the internet and tweeted that Tho4ns owed me a lapdance. 

Poor Tho4ns, he must be concerned that there's a hyper American constantly bothering him via tweets.

Sunday night, after the performances, Moco managed to get Tho4ns, enboldened by just enough alcohol, to give me the dance.  It was brief, maybe less than a minute total, but it was worth it.

A lot of undulating, wanton hip grinding.  A shiny belt buckle centimeters way from my mouth.  I remember fighting the urge to grab him and place a kiss on his belt buckle, but I constantly reminded myself that you must not touch the dancers.  Never touch without permission.

Of course, Moco did what he normally does and told Tho4ns about my ridiculous crush on him.  I don't think he acknowledged it, but he definitely didn't seem disgusted by it, so I take it as a personal victory.

Sometime today, Tho4ns tweeted this to me.  It's made me unreasonably happy.

You really can never un-see that.

BED2015 Wishlist!

BED is right around the corner and I have a wishlist!

• If you see me and recognize me, please come say hi. I'm horribly awfully shy and anxious at large events and I often hide behind M0co or a group of close friends. I'd like to be able to leave BED this year meeting and having a conversation with at least 5 new people.

• If we haven't met, please ask to touch me beforehand. Nuff said.

• If you say hi to M0co, please also say hi to me. 9 times out of 10, people will go out of their way to introduce themselves to M0co and ignore me. I don't think most people are doing it purposefully and, to be fair, I often don't want to interrupt a conversation with the whole, "HI, I AM ALSO HERE. HI." It would mean a lot to me for someone to just to say hi, even if you don't really want to talk to me.

• Please ask me questions during class! I'm more than just a demo bottom for our classes. If you have questions from the inside the rope perspective (or as a top that tends to be smaller than their bottom) please don't hesitate to ask. I can't help you if you don't ask questions :)

• I am currently looking to expand my bottoming perspective. I am pretty bad about asking people to play- I think I've asked a few, but if tying me seems like something that wouldn't suck for you, please don't hesitate to ask. Also, if I say no, please respect that. I also like bottoming for things besides rope (!), so if you have other interests, please shoot me a message.

• As for topping, I am currently only topping those with whom I have a personal relationship. That usually means someone I've met at least once and have conversations with. I just feel safer that way and it allows me to figure out if I am compatible with a person. If you fit into that category, let me know :)

See you guys in BED ;)

The Perfect Suffer

I've never been good at 'faking it', the 'it' being subjective to whatever situation I happen find myself.  I was never big on faking orgasms, I'm often horribly blunt about how I feel about a person much to the chagrin of M0co, my parents, AND my therapist, I don't like playing weird games.  If I'm up during a manic episode, you'll know it.  If I'm trapped in crippling depression, you'll also probably notice it (although in those cases, I do try to fake it until I make it.)

So why should my suffering during play be any different?

Last weekend, M0co and I headed up to Philly again to celebrate the birthday of a friend of ours.  It was a small, quiet little get together, with only one or two familiar faces.  Most of the people there were new to me.  It's kind of fantastic to be able to escape to a place where you aren't forced to work, and yes, almost all play parties have turned into work since M0co LLC'd.  Just a few friends and a few more strangers.

It wasn't an actual play party, but there was a hard point set up, so we decided to take advantage of a rare opportunity to actually play and not feel like we were performing.  So M0co did what he does best: he makes me suffer for him.  It wasn't showy or perfectly executed, but that's how we like it.  We shared a moment of honesty and intimacy, connecting with rope and each other.

Strangely, I get a lot of compliments on my suffering, like I'm doing an exceptional job at being distressed and hurt.  I joke about my 'suffer face' and say something along the lines of, "Thanks! I made it myself!" or I just redirect the compliments somewhere else.  It's always uncomfortable to me when people are praising me for something I'm not intentionally working on.  Or maybe I just really suck at accepting praise, blame my very Asian upbringing where doing exceptionally well is doing your job.

Sometime during all the celebration and complements that night, it finally occurred to me that people can tell when you're faking it in a scene, regardless of how amazing the acting may be.  The over exaggerated sigh, the too perfectly time wince- it's amazing how these things can turn a beautiful playtime into something grotesque.  but it happens all the time.  I blame photography. 100%.

Because how can anyone truly know you're suffering without the absolute perfect image of you pouting, lips curled just so, with your eyes shining with the threat of tears? People are constantly striving for The Perfect Suffer,that they forget to actually...you know, suffer.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love photos.  I enjoy setting up photo shoots and I even don't hate photos of myself when taken during play.  I think the problem lies in everyone thinking they NEED to have The Perfect Suffer.  Whether it's to prove their Domliness (hey, everyone does it), or their submissiveliness, everyone's always chasing this perfect image around.  The problem is, in trying to re-create and force The Perfect Suffer, you just get...ashes.

The Perfect Suffer has nothing to do with how your hair falls in a certain way, or the obvious strain in your body.  I think The Perfect Suffer is when you are the most honest with yourself and you let yourself be lost in the moment.

DomWithLens, possibly one of the most talented photographers I know, is a big fan of catching 'moments' as opposed to taking photos from a shoot, and sent me a couple of incredible images.  I'm always excited to see what he's captured and so far, he hasn't let me down.

Photography by DomWithLens
Rope is M0coJute

Wolves and Snails

"So...I want to make out with you while you're tied up."

I sounded so much more confident than I felt, almost Ricky Spanish-esque.  The thing about it, though, was I semi-already knew that she was going say yes.  and that's not the megalomaniac in me speaking (although, egotistical me is flexing her bro-ceps hard as fuck right now).

Several months prior, last August to be more exact, I had foolishly told M0co that I was attracted to PJ, a girl from the Philly scene who had befriended-slash-become-frighteningly-similar-in-physical-appearance-and-tastes-to IrisEnchanted, the Lairling Queen herself.  I say foolishly because M0co has no filter and no real concern about my embarrassment.  We were doing a Photo shoot with SiRoberto (this one, actually), and in true M0co fashion, he spilled my precious beans all over the place.  Needless to say, I spent the rest of that afternoon being awkward and quiet, both happy and angry that M0co snitched on me.

Two weeks ago, PJ had sent me a text a week prior to Rope Mecca.  It was fairly generic, saying she was happy to see me at x event, and that should was happy to hear that I was attending y function (random: the nerd in me got a lot of enjoyment writing y-function for whatever reason).  Somewhere, peppered in the pleasantries, was a quick one-liner:

and I totally want to make out with you, if you're down

Wait, What? Did I just read that correctly?

After reading and re-reading, and re-reading a third time, I was fairly convinced I had somehow gotten the wrong message (texts are like that sometimes) or maybe 'make-out' had somehow changed meaning within the last...oh, 4 minutes prior to the text.  So I did what any smart robot would do when a beautiful person sends you a hot text.

I sent a goddamn smiley face back, but didn't reference anything about making-out.  Nor did I bring it up ever in the history of evers in future texts with her.  Now would be a good time to queue up Arrested Development:



Ricky Spanish would have been so ashamed by my lack of ovarian fortitude.

So luckily for me PJ wasn't as afraid as I was and mentioned AGAIN (!) in person (!!) that she wanted to make out.  What did I do? I HUGGED HER.  I FUCKING HUGGED HER. and didn't comment.  If I was a sauce, my flavor would definitely have been 'weak'.

There was no mistaking it now.  She was down.  I was down.  Now to make it happen.  I did what any other smart, kinkster would do-mention it the context of doing rope bondage.

It ended up being a really fun time- light-hearted with a lot of laughter, which was nice after over-analyzing one text message for a week.  I sloppily tied her on the couch by a dance pole- she had a stretchy skater style dress on, covered with Cheshire Cats.  We kissed, we bit each other playfully (a game in which I like to call 'Wolf Pack'), which quickly devolved in licking each other (a game in which PJ likes to call 'Snaaaaaaail traaaaaaaail!')

and before I realized it, we were just two happy people, cuddling on a couch, laughing and just...enjoying being around one another.