Love Songs

"Love Songs" Performed by M0co and Beemo from BeemoBot! on Vimeo.

Again, sometimes I forget how lucky I am.  In six short years, I've had the chance to share the stage with world class riggers and rope bottoms and last May was no exception.  Opening for Hajime Kinoko and Ika-chan was really one of the highest moments for Moco and myself.  Kinoko-san may be one of the biggest influences when it comes to Moco's rope style, even if it's not really evident.  We spent the earliest years of our relationship watching low-res videos of his Cyber Rope performances, pausing and replaying various transitions in hopes to unraveling some of the magic that is Kinoko's stage presence.

This performance was a bit different for us: everyone's used to the very show-boat-y, larger than life attitude that Moco and I bring.  I think it may have caught a couple people off guard, but I think this may be one of our most beautiful shows to date.  In the very least, it felt to be the most intimate and, for me, that's what rope is really about.

Many thanks to Rigger Jay for recording and editing this performance for us.

The Stress

I like to live my days in a constant state of stress.  No, maybe 'like' isn't the right word.  It's more like I need to live in a constant state of stress.  When my world is always on the brink of explosion, covered in deadlines, fraught with sleepless nights, that's when I churn out my best work.  I can't explain it, I don't try to understand it.  It's how it's been for years and how it's always going to be.

I know it sounds bad.   Most people opt for as stress-free life as possible.  "How can you operate?  How do you not break down?  How can you be so calm when everything is basically falling apart?"  and to be honest, I do break down.  Often.  Just like any and everyone else does.

I know my brain.  I know if I let up, it'll fail me.  I'll fail me.  At this point in my life, I refuse to fail myself.

I spent a good portion of my youth numbing my brain and ostensibly not feeling stress because...well, I wouldn't let myself feel anything emotionally or physically.  and isn't that so much worse?  I would rather be in a constant state of panic than to ever allow myself to be numb to the world.  It means I can feel.  It means I care.

Anyways, stress isn't a bad thing in my mind-  don't we all stress our bodies as rope bottoms?  Don't we all test ourselves to see what we can do?  How we break?  How we put ourselves back together?

BDSLR sent me a few images from a few weeks (or maybe months, I stopped keeping track of time when it comes to his editing ;).  All I could think of when I got the images was "Look at all this stress I'm under.  Look at me survive it."

BED2016 Wishlist

I can't believe a year has gone by already and we're quickly approaching another BED! I have a couple of wishes for this year's event, many pretty similar (exactly identical?) to the post I made last year!

• If you see me and recognize me (or don't recognize me, but think I would be interesting to speak to), please come say hi. I'm horribly awfully shy and anxious at large events and I often hide behind M0co or a group of close friends. I'd like to be able to leave BED this year meeting and having a conversation with at least 5 new people.
• If we haven't met, please ask to touch me beforehand. Nuff said.
• If you say hi to M0co, please also say hi to me. 9 times out of 10, people will go out of their way to introduce themselves to M0co and ignore me. I don't think most people are doing it purposefully and, to be fair, I often don't want to interrupt a conversation with the whole, "HI, I AM ALSO HERE. HI." It would mean a lot to me for someone to just to say hi, even if you don't really want to talk to me.
• Please ask me questions during class! I'm more than just a demo bottom. If you have questions from the inside the rope perspective (or as a top that tends to be smaller than their bottom) please don't hesitate to ask. I can't help you if you don't ask questions :)
• I am currently looking to expand my bottoming perspective. I am pretty bad about asking people to play- I think I've asked a few, but if tying me seems like something that wouldn't suck for you, please don't hesitate to ask. Also, if I say no, please respect that. I also like bottoming for things besides rope (!), so if you have other interests, please shoot me a message.
• As for topping, I am currently only topping those with whom I have some kind of relationship with- usually this means I've either met them or have spoken to them enough to feel like I would be comfortable playing with them.

See you all in BED ;)

Processing. Trust. Idiocy.

"So, I wanna try something dumb, but I wanna try this dumb thing on someone I trust to tell me if it's too dumb."

It's not a sentence most people hear often, but I feel like it's a fairly regular exchange I have with Meymoon (aka Tegoiss), a seemingly overnight rope top sensation from the DMV.  I've been lucky to watch his exponential growth in rope in his short time being in public kink.  His dedication to bondage is something to behold.

His dedication to making sure I remember he's a sadist on every possible level is also something to behold.  Beyond just bondage, he mostly taunts me with food and idea of not sharing it with me.   A foodist, if you will.  Anything from keeping pizza and matcha kit-kats away from me to telling me how much he hates avocado, nothing is too sacred in my life for him to try to use against me.  But he's also been a great sounding board, someone I can text sporadically throughout the day to ask questions about quesadillas, or check in when I'm feeling the inevitable drop from playing too hard.

Rope, kink- it's a trust game.  For me, it's probably one of the hardest parts of kink.  It's hard for me to develop that level of trust for most people, which is why the pool of people for whom I'll bottom for is pretty much still in the single digits, despite being a million kink years old.  I have to really trust someone beyond a normal amount of trust if they're planning on stringing me up and tossing me around.

I'm not really sure what caused the little switch in my brain to flip from "don't trust" to "trust", but it's been that way for a while and I couldn't be happier with my friendship and play with Meymoon.

and if I can trust someone to taunt me with food, I can trust them unequivocally. So, when approached with the idea of trusting in something dumb, I was all for it.

Sometimes, I have the strangest FOMO (fear of missing out) because while we labbed/played, I remember thinking "Man, I am so envious I can't see what's happening, I really want to learn."  I couldn't really tell you what happened, but it hurt. In the best way possible.  I flipped through some of the images and still don't really understand what I'm looking at.

I got some pretty neat shots and I edited them poorly.  Because not a photographer or editor.

Negative Feels Bubble

I hate being that guy, but I'm totally going to be that guy for a minute.

I'm a pretty good fucking rope bottom.

It feels funny to say (type?) that.  And it feels funnier to read.  and most of all, it's super awkward when someone else tells me that.  I've spent so much time focusing on my weaknesses and shortcoming that I forget to take a look at some of my strengths. and sometimes, I forget something that once was a weakness no longer exists because I've put the time and effort to make the change.  

We all get trapped in the negative feels bubble sometimes.  And with the way the world is, sometimes all you ever see is the dark side of things.

But the great thing about bubbles? They eventually pop.  Sometimes on their own.  Sometimes with a little help.

BDSLR sent me some great images that he captured from November Krakens' Lair.  I gave him a hard time since it's pretty much April now, but sometimes good things are worth waiting for.  and BDSLR was the needle I needed to pop some negative feels bubbles this evening.

I looked through some of these photos 3-5 times over, just trying to wrap my head around some of these ties.  How can someone with as many deficits as I do be able to do something like that?  Camera magic?  Really clever angles?  Stunt robot body double?

No, in the end, it's just me. It's my hard work.  It's my sweat and my blood and my tears. 

It's just me.

BED's Launch Party, "Rigger's Ego"

UPDATE: Youtube hates us, so this video has been moved to Vimeo.  It's password protected.  The password is mocolovesbeemo

Last weekend, Moco and I had the honor of being the headliners for BED's Launch party.  This is a first for us, being headliners- we're typically called on to be the opening act.  It's never bothered us to be seen as the openers for someone else; we were just happy someone thought of us and that we could share the stage with some world class artists.

It was a bit nerve-racking to be the headliner, even more than I thought it would be.

I'm pleased to present our performance, which I've named "Rigger's Ego."  It's the story about an asshole rigger who breaks the heart of his rope bottom ;) but then makes up for it with more rope.

PS: Did I mention I'm 30 years old?  I'm doing this at 30.  Think about that for a while.

M0co and Beemo at BED's Launch Party, "Rigger's Ego" from BeemoBot! on Vimeo.

Opening for Nawashi Kanna and Kagu Ra. Plus Travel dates!

A few months ago, Moco and I had the honor and privilege to be the opening performance for Nawashi Kanna and Kagu-Ra.  TheHammer was kind enough to record and edit it for us.  Here's the video.  Comments and suggestions are always appreciated!



M0co and Beemo from Hammer N Roxy on Vimeo.

Moco and I will be traveling quite a bit in the next few weeks.  We're super excited about it (and possibly ridiculously nervous).  Please come check us out!

Aug 28-30 MI (SINergy)
Sept 3-10 SF, CA (3 Day Moco and Beemo rope intensive)
Sept 11-14 Portland, OR (3 Day Moco and Beemo rope intensive)

Oct 10-11 Dallas, TX (BED Launch Party)

Too lazy to Update

Have a picture instead.  Shot taken by Moco.  Ropework done by Moco.  Bound in Wykd Moco.  Rope can be purchased on Mocojute.com.

Hopefully, the next time I update, I will have a video of our performance from when we opened for Nawashi Kanna and Kagu Ra.  Looking forward to it!

MBE Bmore 2015!

I guess I should have kept it a secret by not writing it in the title, but guess what, guys?

MBE is featuring Baltimore as a satellite city this year!  Charm City is going to be hosting a night of amazing bondage art and we absolutely cannot wait.

I mean, is it really a surprise that B-more was chosen?  The DMV really is Rope Mecca: the ropey-est place in all of the rope world.  I'm happy we'll finally be able to showcase some of the amazing, blossoming talent our area has to offer.

Since Bmore is only a stone's throw away from NYC, Philly, NJ, and the Carolinas, I suspect we'll get in tons of apps up and down the east coast.  We're really looking forward it!

#MBEBmore2015 will be hosted on September 19th, which means people attending this event can still apply to the other satellite locations, including the live event in Toronto!  

So let's get those applications in and show everyone the amazing fucking talent we have to offer!

MBE FUCK YEAH.

My Ropelationship with Murphy Blue

I had meant to write this originally about 2 years ago, when I first was tied by Murphy Blue, the dynamic and passionate rigger from NYC, but I felt like I didn't have the words to express it properly.  Again, last year, after playing at BED, I wanted to write, but my brain wouldn't cooperate with my feelings.

It's now a year later, and I'm wondering if this task is impossible.  Murphy and I played again, a year later, at BED, and it was long overdue.  I've thought about a million ways to describe the intensity, the intimacy, but I kept coming short.  At first, I thought it was because I am a poor writer- nothing I tapped into this little text window seemed to be fitting, nothing seemed to capture the moment the way it was.  I think this might be my fourth or fifth attempt to just describe BED2015 with Murphy.  I'm just not that talented.

But as I'm writing this, I think I finally have realized that the reason I have such a hard time writing anything is because I don't want to share those experiences, those stolen moments I share with Murphy.  It's selfish, really.  There's something very extraordinarily personal when he ties me and I just can't quite bring myself to let the world into my brain and heart when it comes to my rope-lationship with the one and only BlueRisk.

I will say that Murphy was the first person I trusted besides Moco to tie me more than once- and he never failed to live up to that trust.  He's someone I felt like I didn't have to guard myself to, to protect my feelings and emotions from.  And anything I've ever given to him always seemed to comeback tenfold.  It really just more than bottoming to Murphy, more than just being in his rope. It's like being enveloped in the best story, a beautifully written novella, created just for you.

This post feels like it's ending on a weird note, but that's because it's not ending.  Like my ropelationship, it's just beginning to start.  

Crawling out of BED(2015)

I've been home for over 48 hours now, but my brain is still lingering somewhere in downtown Dallas.  BED2015 occurred last weekend, and, unlike almost all other cons I've ever attended, I finally felt mentally and physically prepared to handle a larger-scale event.  I had established boundaries, voiced my concerns, held my breath and jumped.

Classes went smoothly, play dates I managed to make were fantastic.  No mental breakdowns.  No need for emergency escape plans.  I even potentially made new friends. Me!  I think I met every goal I set for myself, maybe even surpassed my expectations.

Despite dating The Cat for almost a year (or possibly over a year? I am indeed the worst boi-friend), I finally got to tie her.  She was her perfect self, wearing an adorable sailor outfit, her two pig-tail braids slightly askew, her bright red lips always cracked in a beautiful smile.  I remember wanting to smear her lipstick, to see her body strain, and ache for me.  I didn't want to make her cry, but I wanted her to come close to it.  I wanted her to know that if I wanted to, I was fully capable of it.

I, of course, got what I wanted. Sleighbelle was a lot tougher than I had imagined she would be, so I'm exceedingly proud of her.  I'm told I'm not easy on my bottoms, perhaps it's a side effect of having an Owner who isn't easy on me.  She did wonderfully and I'm told that she still gets starry-eyed thinking about my stiletto on her throat.

Surprisingly, I managed to bottom to three other people.  This is a record for me, since I have a lot of fears of consent violations.  The recent surfacing of major violations really didn't help my fear, but after expressing my worries, the internet was like...calm down. and yes, I actually took the advice of the internet.  I must be desperate.

Unexpectedly, I ended up doing a ground tie with FredRx.  We had met in Florida during FIRE (I'm told I had actually met him at BED the year before, but whatever).  Physically speaking, he's EXACTLY what attracted me to Moco, it was a little mind-fucky.  There were plenty of moments where I nearly jumped on his back to bite his neck, thinking he was Moco.  Or knowing he wasn't and was curious as to what his reaction would be.  I imagine he would just throw me to the ground and choke me a bit :) but he would probably have just been really confused, possibly concerned that he may need a rabies shot.

The ground tie was, for lack of a better word, primal.  It reminded me of a lot of rape fantasies I used to have before Moco turned most of them into reality for me.   There was no sugar-y coating, no gentle pretense.  There was no power struggle because I didn't have any and Fred had it all.  and it felt...right.

Somewhere between the face slapping, the fingers down my throat, tears streaming down my face, and this devilish spiked glass ball being plied to my skin, I tried to remember why I was so afraid to play with other people. Could it always be this fun?  Or was it just because FredRx was hitting all the right types of pain and power plays?  The thoughts didn't last long, pain usually gets the better of me and before I knew it, I wasn't thinking at all anymore. 

High on my list of accomplishments was having enough confidence to flirt with Canadian-cowboy, Tho4ns, in person.  I had begun my pseudo-attempts on the internet, most notably #HatWatch2014, last October, when I had met him in Philly for the Twisted Halloween Intensive.  My attraction to him started out from his work, as he's super fucking talented with rope and a camera, but his lean frame and warm smile don't hurt his case, either.  I had no idea how to let him know about my childish crush- he and I have nothing in common besides an unreasonable love for Moco and his jute.  So I was stuck.

Sometime Saturday night, someone was running around the playspace yelling, "THORNS IS GIVING LAP DANCES!".  Finally!  My in that I've been waiting for!  I can work with this! Like a puppy desperate for attention, I went running into the space, only to be let down.  "Sorry, 'Thorns' with an 'R', not 'Thorns' with a '4'" someone told me.  Hopes and expectations, meet the floor.

I became unreasonably angry.  How dare Tho4ns take away my in!  And yes, I know that he didn't actually do anything at this point, but still!  Rage and disappointment don't listen to reason.  So I did the only thing I could think of, I went to the internet and tweeted that Tho4ns owed me a lapdance. 

Poor Tho4ns, he must be concerned that there's a hyper American constantly bothering him via tweets.

Sunday night, after the performances, Moco managed to get Tho4ns, enboldened by just enough alcohol, to give me the dance.  It was brief, maybe less than a minute total, but it was worth it.

A lot of undulating, wanton hip grinding.  A shiny belt buckle centimeters way from my mouth.  I remember fighting the urge to grab him and place a kiss on his belt buckle, but I constantly reminded myself that you must not touch the dancers.  Never touch without permission.

Of course, Moco did what he normally does and told Tho4ns about my ridiculous crush on him.  I don't think he acknowledged it, but he definitely didn't seem disgusted by it, so I take it as a personal victory.

Sometime today, Tho4ns tweeted this to me.  It's made me unreasonably happy.

You really can never un-see that.

BED2015 Wishlist!

BED is right around the corner and I have a wishlist!

• If you see me and recognize me, please come say hi. I'm horribly awfully shy and anxious at large events and I often hide behind M0co or a group of close friends. I'd like to be able to leave BED this year meeting and having a conversation with at least 5 new people.

• If we haven't met, please ask to touch me beforehand. Nuff said.

• If you say hi to M0co, please also say hi to me. 9 times out of 10, people will go out of their way to introduce themselves to M0co and ignore me. I don't think most people are doing it purposefully and, to be fair, I often don't want to interrupt a conversation with the whole, "HI, I AM ALSO HERE. HI." It would mean a lot to me for someone to just to say hi, even if you don't really want to talk to me.

• Please ask me questions during class! I'm more than just a demo bottom for our classes. If you have questions from the inside the rope perspective (or as a top that tends to be smaller than their bottom) please don't hesitate to ask. I can't help you if you don't ask questions :)

• I am currently looking to expand my bottoming perspective. I am pretty bad about asking people to play- I think I've asked a few, but if tying me seems like something that wouldn't suck for you, please don't hesitate to ask. Also, if I say no, please respect that. I also like bottoming for things besides rope (!), so if you have other interests, please shoot me a message.

• As for topping, I am currently only topping those with whom I have a personal relationship. That usually means someone I've met at least once and have conversations with. I just feel safer that way and it allows me to figure out if I am compatible with a person. If you fit into that category, let me know :)

See you guys in BED ;)

The Perfect Suffer

I've never been good at 'faking it', the 'it' being subjective to whatever situation I happen find myself.  I was never big on faking orgasms, I'm often horribly blunt about how I feel about a person much to the chagrin of M0co, my parents, AND my therapist, I don't like playing weird games.  If I'm up during a manic episode, you'll know it.  If I'm trapped in crippling depression, you'll also probably notice it (although in those cases, I do try to fake it until I make it.)

So why should my suffering during play be any different?

Last weekend, M0co and I headed up to Philly again to celebrate the birthday of a friend of ours.  It was a small, quiet little get together, with only one or two familiar faces.  Most of the people there were new to me.  It's kind of fantastic to be able to escape to a place where you aren't forced to work, and yes, almost all play parties have turned into work since M0co LLC'd.  Just a few friends and a few more strangers.

It wasn't an actual play party, but there was a hard point set up, so we decided to take advantage of a rare opportunity to actually play and not feel like we were performing.  So M0co did what he does best: he makes me suffer for him.  It wasn't showy or perfectly executed, but that's how we like it.  We shared a moment of honesty and intimacy, connecting with rope and each other.

Strangely, I get a lot of compliments on my suffering, like I'm doing an exceptional job at being distressed and hurt.  I joke about my 'suffer face' and say something along the lines of, "Thanks! I made it myself!" or I just redirect the compliments somewhere else.  It's always uncomfortable to me when people are praising me for something I'm not intentionally working on.  Or maybe I just really suck at accepting praise, blame my very Asian upbringing where doing exceptionally well is doing your job.

Sometime during all the celebration and complements that night, it finally occurred to me that people can tell when you're faking it in a scene, regardless of how amazing the acting may be.  The over exaggerated sigh, the too perfectly time wince- it's amazing how these things can turn a beautiful playtime into something grotesque.  but it happens all the time.  I blame photography. 100%.

Because how can anyone truly know you're suffering without the absolute perfect image of you pouting, lips curled just so, with your eyes shining with the threat of tears? People are constantly striving for The Perfect Suffer,that they forget to actually...you know, suffer.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love photos.  I enjoy setting up photo shoots and I even don't hate photos of myself when taken during play.  I think the problem lies in everyone thinking they NEED to have The Perfect Suffer.  Whether it's to prove their Domliness (hey, everyone does it), or their submissiveliness, everyone's always chasing this perfect image around.  The problem is, in trying to re-create and force The Perfect Suffer, you just get...ashes.

The Perfect Suffer has nothing to do with how your hair falls in a certain way, or the obvious strain in your body.  I think The Perfect Suffer is when you are the most honest with yourself and you let yourself be lost in the moment.

DomWithLens, possibly one of the most talented photographers I know, is a big fan of catching 'moments' as opposed to taking photos from a shoot, and sent me a couple of incredible images.  I'm always excited to see what he's captured and so far, he hasn't let me down.

Photography by DomWithLens
Rope is M0coJute

Policy Reversal, FIRE II: Rope Boogaloo

I'm really impressed at the recent turn of events with blogger/blogspot.  I just heard that they are planning on keeping their old policy towards adult blogs :) Excellent.  That means I will be continuing to blog here.  Well, 'continuing to blog' is used rather loosely here, though. 

M0co and I were lucky enough to spend a week in beautiful, sunny Orlando, Florida recently.  We had gone down to be part of Florida's Intense Rope Experience, or FIRE.  This was their second year, and they went all out with their list of presenters.  We were able to spend time with some world class riggers and bottoms, learning and sharing our brains and hearts.  It was...well...intense. 

It was a bit of a battle heading to Orlando.  Maryland weather didn't want to cooperate the Wednesday and Thursday before our flight, with caused such a back up, we ended up missing our original flight.  We were in the airport for nearly 12 hours before we were able to re-book a connecting flight to Indianapolis then head to Orlando.  M0co and I actually ended up missing two of the classes we were supposed to teach, but FredRx and Gorgone (!) were gracious enough to cover our time slots and asses.

Saturday night, we did a performance.  An ACTUAL performance, one in which we planned music and the like.  We've never actually put much thought in performances before- M0co considers himself a 'jazz' rigger- he makes it up as he goes, it's all based on how he and his instruments--in his case, the rope, me, and the environment-- feel that night.  and to be fair, the rope and suspension parts were STILL done jazz style - no real thought or consideration on what sequence we were going to end up doing.  The idea came to us while driving home one late afternoon while listening to 50 Cent's "If I can't (No one can)."  I semi-jokingly made a statement about how this song was able M0co's ability to make specially customized rope for his clients and friends.  From there, this appalling performance was born.

I don't want to reveal too much of what happened, but here is a few shots, taken by FredRx:

MBE 2014, the extravaganza that almost wasn't (but then was, so it was cool in the end)

To be fair, MBE was never NOT going to be a thing-- Morpheous' Bondage Extravaganza has been an ongoing yearly event that seems pretty unstoppable.

The 'almost wasn't' part was more about my attendance to said event.  The last few months for M0co and myself have been truly crazy- a lot of traveling, working mega overtime, and always, ALWAYS an almost negative bank account.  Money was really tough for us, and MBE almost wasn't in the books for us.  Well, at least not both of us.  Since rope is M0co's life, traveling to MBE was more of a business calling than pleasure, so it made sense that he should at least be able to go and represent.  Would have been mighty awkward if the official rope of MBE couldn't make it.

So, since I was under the impression I wasn't going to make it, I convinced a friend of mine to run a 5K with me that Saturday.  Admission was super cheap and I figured it would keep me occupied while M0co was away.  So I had a plan.  A non-MBE plan.

Fast forward, I ended up actually being able to go to Florida and finding last minute tickets that same Saturday.  So, like all normal insomniacs who hate to let people down, I decided to do it all.  Run the 5K, get on a plane, tie and get tied for 12 hours, fly back home and work on Monday.

Did I mention the 5K was a color run?  You know, the kind of 5K where they throw all the colorful corn starch at you?

So, I was slightly rainbow colored when I arrived to The Woodshed, but only slightly.

Anyways, I survived another MBE, but as a rigger!  I wish I had some photos of the ties I did and of the awesome bottoms I got to use, but I haven't received them yet. I did get quite a few shots of M0co tying me, which is just as nice :)

Photos by Coner

Look at how fancy M0co looks!  I'm one lucky little slave :)

December to May recap, Bondage Expo Dallas and...the future!

I know I've been pretty negligent (sidebar- does this word look strange to anyone else?) when it comes to this blog :( Life has gotten crazy, both professionally and socially.  and also, laziness plays a large part.

Work has been going through many, changes, some terrible, but most great.  Ideally, I'm up for a promotion and department change in the not too distant future.  Totally tooting my own horn here, but I deserve it.  I put in countless (and mostly thankless) hours with useless supervisors to help my team do well.  It's nice that our newest director of our department has noticed it.

As part of this newfound adultiness I've discovered, M0co and I have been preparing to....buy a house!  We're more or less pre-approved and now are just taking our time to find the perfect place.  Y'know, 2-3 bedrooms, 2+ bathrooms, a backyard for the pups, and a basement we can turn into a badass rope dojo/place space.  The essentials.

Since December, the kink life has been bananas.   We've been able to travel and present all over the east coast, which is kind of wild considering where we were 2 years ago.  Winterfire came and went smoothly.  It's always a great event :)  I'm really looking forward to Fusion, which is in a few weeks(!)

The highlight of the year so far, unexpectedly, was Bondage Expo Dallas.  This is going to sound so strange, but I'm not typically a fan of all bondage events.  Chalk it up to my introvertedness.  It's hard enough for me at regular events because M0co is more or less a celebrity, but in rope-centric events, he's somewhat of a demi god.  I mean, he figuratively births the ropes most people use at these things.  It's easy for him to get caught up in the attention and hype.  Not to mention that I tend to go into complete shut down mode and have an enormous mental breakdown after these events.  I usually end up breaking up with M0co, crying for three days, and rebooting.

Needless to say. I was...apprehensive.

BED was much smaller than I was expecting, which was great.  and the quality of people and education was amazing.  I had such an amazing time, I had completely forgotten I was nervous.  Dallas Kink and his crew put together a terrific event, I highly recommend it to rope-lovers.

Here are some photos from the last night at BED, taken by Dov.  M0co loves these because he thinks he looks like he's in great shape :P  Also, if you look in the background, you'll see tons of jute twine.  M0co totally did a Scrouge McDuck and rolled around on it.  I hope DK doesn't get mad >.>

((Ricky Spanish))

Oh, when she’s angry, she is keen and shrewd!

She was a vixen when she went to school.

And though she be but little, she is fierce.

      -William Shakespeare

I'm a fairly introverted character-- I rather spend my nights at home, chained to a bed or crawling around with a bundle of rope in my mouth in an attempt to seduce M0co into playing with me.  Going to an event that isn't one that M0co is running or presenting at almost never happens.  I'm a nerd loner, often preferring to play on the internet or read a book.

but when I have rope in my hands, I become a different person.  I feel strong, charismatic, and even a bit dangerous.  I become...Ricky Spanish.

The name is actually one of the characters that Roger plays on "American Dad".  He's kind of a dirt bag human being slash alien with a mullet and vest.  Here's a small compilation from that episode:

I'm not saying I'm a complete dirt bag.  But that attitude! I know that feel, bro!  Like Roger putting on an outfit, being the top in a scene just...it does something to me.  It changes me.  I'm no longer just a 5'3" 130-something lb. little slave girl whose constant fear of rejection tends to keep me from making any moves on people of interest.  I become something else completely- a snarky, brave, little sadist who has the strength and ferocity to take what she wants, with consent, of course.

Here are some shots of ((Ricky Spanish)) in action taken at a recent event.  IrisEnchanted was nice enough to let me use her-- doesn't she make the cutest faces?

Snow Day

Well, the entire Metro area closed down yesterday for about an inch of snow.  I'm not complaining- I got the day off and got to take some pretty pictures.

It finally dawned on M0co that in order to sell his rope, he would have to sell out.  Okay, maybe not sell out per say, but he would have to cater to his clientele a little bit more than he was--he was going to have to start taking pretty pictures.  So, armed with a decently good camera and a very basic knowledge and skillset of photoshop and lighting, M0co's been making some very beautiful images.

M: Me Rigger/Rope/Photographer: M0co

M: Me Rigger/Rope/Photographer: M0co

M: me Rigger/Rope/Photographer: M0co

Look at me! In all my majesty! It was ridiculously cold with no underwear on.  Never realized how much heat genitalia produce.  Our newest room-mate, Trip, shrugged and told me in the most matter-of-fact way, "Years of evolution has ensured us warm genitalia."

It still feels like a sham to call myself a model.  I'm really just a thing that goes inside another thing-- the rope and M0co are doing all the hard work. I just have to not break for 10-15 minutes, which is pretty easy without someone hitting and choking me.

Kimono in the snow is something I've been wanting to do for a while, despite my intense hatred for all things cold and snow.  As much as I complained, I have to admit, I do like these photos.  Which is rare because I kinda hate all photos of me that aren't of me playing.

This shot was taken in my backyard more or less, in which "kids" (the person in question was over 18) were out building snow people, neighbors were locked away in their apartments, and there were puppy paw prints everywhere.  If the shots were a little wider, you could totally see the apartment complex or the townhouses.  Good thing we know how to crop the hell out of things.

Strangely fitting, I really missed having kannukis in my gote for this shoot. I know the latest trend has been to banish the evil kannuki because it tends to increase the risk of nerve damage by a lot, but...I like not falling out of a gote.

Rope Bottoming: Health

health

noun, often attributive \ˈhelth also ˈheltth\

: the condition of being well or free from disease

: the overall condition of someone's body or mind

: the condition or state of something

Ah, I love m-w.com so much- it’s really come one of my favorite websites on the internet (shhh, please don’t tell M0cojute.com!)  Above is a very basic definition of health.  In terms of rope bottoming, all three definitions are highly applicable.  I particularly like the second and third definition.

Overall, health is something that should be of high concern to everyone, not just rope bottoms.  Knowing your health status is ultra important for living day to day.  Although, it’s not quite a skill, physical and mental health is something we can all improve with a couple of tips and hints.  

So when we talk about health, generally speaking, what are we talking about?  For me, it’s important to discuss what health is NOT about.  Health is not about being thin. REPEAT, HEALTH IS NOT ABOUT BEING THIN.  I think that a lot of society and culture has it heavily ingrained in folks that being thinner means you’re automatically healthier and that couldn’t be more wrong!  The emphasis on health, when it comes to rope bottoming, has nothing to do with how much a person weighs.  It has everything to do with your lifestyle and mental state.

To me, and to several rope bottoms in my community, health is a combination of the general condition of the mind and body.  Good health for rope bottoming would have an overall positive condition; bad would be an overall negative condition.  These definitions seem pretty loose and for good reason; general health is something only you can determine of yourself.

Physical Health

My physical health is just a small fraction of my health, but is still incredibly important.  I do what I can in order to keep healthy.  Small things like staying hydrated, working out regularly, get physical check ups, and sleep.  You’d be surprised how things like actually drinking enough water or sleeping a full 8 hours a night will change how you physically (and mentally, but we’ll get to that) feel.  

I know earlier I said that preferred the second and third definitions of ‘health’ in comparison to the first- it’s because of the word ‘disease’. Yes, you should not have the flu or suddenly come down with a case of E. bola virus when bottoming in rope.  The immune system is too busy fighting off infection, why are you fighting your immune system?  When you’re sick, you should let your body rest.  The rope can always wait.

(Here comes my rant!)

My problem with the use of the word disease is that BDSM is often equated with sexuality.  Diseases equated with sexuality are STDs.  You don’t need to be free from STDs to a good rope bottom.  I have had many a rope bottom tell me, somewhat apprehensively, that they have z, y, or z STD, as if that would make me not want to play with them.  STDs have a really terrible stigma about them, as if a person is dirty or no good for having them.  It’s really no different from catching the chicken pox (No, really, look it up, varicella-zoster virus, which causes Chickenpox and Shingles, is a herpes virus.  Guess what else is a herpes virus?)   While I do appreciate when people tell me these things because it means they’re being honest, it has absolutely no bearing on their skills as a rope bottom.

(end rant, thanks for hanging on for that!)

Physical injuries are something of which to also be aware. Our play party nights often include various other forms of play that may eventually make being a rope bottom more difficult.  If I do an intense whipping scene in which my skin is broken, I probably shouldn’t do a rope scene shortly afterward.  Anything that takes a toll on the body or mind will affect your ability to bottom in rope.  Things to be cognizant about:

• What plans do I have for the rest of the night in terms of rope or other play
• Do I have any broken skin or bruises that will change how rope feels on my body
• What is my mental state like?  Am I still in headspace from a previous scene?  Will this affect my headspace in rope?

Mental Health

The overall emotional and mental state actually seem to be a bigger part of health that most people forget.  Your mental health dictates most of what you do day to day.  The difficulty of this is being able to judge your mental and emotional state in terms of playing.  It’s such an individual thing- for example, if I’m particularly upset or emotional, I love bottoming for single tails and tears, but absolutely cannot bottom in rope.  If my mind is even slightly foggy, if I think I may be slightly manic or depressed, I stay away from playing because I never know how it’ll affect my mental state.

I don’t have much advice for mental health because I am not mental health professional.  I highly recommend really getting to know yourself and being aware of how your mood affects your play and day to day life.  Things to be cognizant about:

• How am I feeling today?
• How will I feel if I have a rope scene with ____________?
• Am I prepared to handle going into a headspace?
• Am I prepared to handle it if this scene doesn’t go well?

I’m sure there are tons of other questions you can (and should!) ask yourself about.  This is a very highly individualized processed, so please do what best suits you!

Happy bottoming!

Grove Lane Studio's "Decadent and Dark Day of Photography"

Last Sunday, Grove Lane Studios held it's second photography day.  It consists of allowing photographers access to tons of models and kinky situations.  M0co, of course, was asked to come tie up models and make them all pretty for photos.

He did a great job, like always.  One of the girls seemed to genuinely be into it, in fact.  It took quite a bit for me to work on my jealousy, but I think, in the end, I was able to remind myself that M0co loves me and this is his job.  and it also helped that he made it a bit more mechanical since these girls were pretty much strangers to him.  Once I got over the initial insecurity ("They're prettier than I am...they're thinner than I am..."), I was able to actually enjoy the beauty of what M0co can do with rope and a body.

Interestingly, M0co somehow convinced Grove Lane to let me be a model- he told them if they wanted authentic, energy driven rope work and suspension work, he needed to use someone he knows extremely well (M0co didn't suspend any of the models because they had never been in rope before.)  He told me to bring my kimono and throw on some make-up and see what we could do.

I don't know what I'm doing with make-up.  Like...at all.  If anyone has make-up tips, suggestions, or basic how-tos, please share!

It didn't feel like a photoshoot; it felt like we got to play with photographers around.  It reminded me of all those Osada Steve videos I have where we can watch Osada Steve tie, but can hear the camera shutters in the background.  It was a completely different experience.

One of the photographers, Fetlife's DescreetPhotog, sent M0co some photos already and he fell in love with them.  I have yet to see what the other photographers came up with, but I'm pretty excited about it.

Here's a shot or two from DescreetPhotog:

I really like how this photo captures out dynamic.  It's rare we get photos with both of us together - M0co's usually operating a cracked cell phone.  Plus, wearing even a little bit of make-up really changes a photo.  I'm glad I forced myself to do so.