Not-so-Imposter-Syndrome (AKA BED2016)

"Impostor syndrome describes a situation where someone feels like an impostor or fraud because they think that they have duped the people around them, their boss for example, into believing that their accomplishments are of a high calibre, but in fact believe that their accomplishments are nowhere near as good as the praise or promotions they are accorded based on those accomplishments. They have a fear of being "found out" one day to be lacking the skills and intelligence they are perceived to have. Usually, their accomplishments are just as good, and the person is applying an unfairly high standard to themself (and not to others). It's especially common in fields where people's work is constantly under review by talented peers, such as academia or Open Source Software, or taking on a new job." (Geek Feminism Wiki) 

I don't know if you know this about Moco or myself, but we suffer from SEVERE imposter syndrome.  We're still waitng for the day when everyone opens their eyes and realizes, "Hey...you know what?  They're not that good...at all, why do we keep bringing them around?" At first, we were excited about it, like we were getting away with something bad, but the longer we continue to be around, the more the paranoia developed.  Why?  Why were we allowed to even be in the same space as our more talented peers?

This is particularly true when we end up at rope-centric cons, like Bondage Expo Dallas (BED).  BED has quite the reputation for bringing out the big guns, a veritable who's who of rope.  And yet somehow, viola! Here be Moco and Beemo.  Like....what???  How could we even deserve to be listed on the same shirt as international presenters whose teaching experience is longer than our actual relationship? We're just a couple of no-good scrubby kids from Charm City, making the joint a million times less classy with our rap music and our brass knuckles and my Lilo and Stitch cosplay (more on that in a future post, probably).

But BED came and went like a blur and I actually felt...not so imposter-y.  and I don't know why.  Come Sunday at 6 pm, I felt like I was a real presenter for once.  and now just because BED really knows how to care for their presenters, which is all too rare in today's world of BDSM conferences and events.  I felt like I actually knew what I was talking about, that the entire class was engaged.  and maybe even more importantly, they were enjoying themselves the entire time. and it felt so good.  I'm hoping I'll always feel that way when we present or perform, but I'm pretty sure the feeling of non-imposter-ism is fleeting.

I'm told imposter syndrome is a fairly normal occurrence, that everyone feels like they haven't deserved whatever accolades they've received.  I wonder how they handle it.

BED2016 Wishlist

I can't believe a year has gone by already and we're quickly approaching another BED! I have a couple of wishes for this year's event, many pretty similar (exactly identical?) to the post I made last year!

• If you see me and recognize me (or don't recognize me, but think I would be interesting to speak to), please come say hi. I'm horribly awfully shy and anxious at large events and I often hide behind M0co or a group of close friends. I'd like to be able to leave BED this year meeting and having a conversation with at least 5 new people.
• If we haven't met, please ask to touch me beforehand. Nuff said.
• If you say hi to M0co, please also say hi to me. 9 times out of 10, people will go out of their way to introduce themselves to M0co and ignore me. I don't think most people are doing it purposefully and, to be fair, I often don't want to interrupt a conversation with the whole, "HI, I AM ALSO HERE. HI." It would mean a lot to me for someone to just to say hi, even if you don't really want to talk to me.
• Please ask me questions during class! I'm more than just a demo bottom. If you have questions from the inside the rope perspective (or as a top that tends to be smaller than their bottom) please don't hesitate to ask. I can't help you if you don't ask questions :)
• I am currently looking to expand my bottoming perspective. I am pretty bad about asking people to play- I think I've asked a few, but if tying me seems like something that wouldn't suck for you, please don't hesitate to ask. Also, if I say no, please respect that. I also like bottoming for things besides rope (!), so if you have other interests, please shoot me a message.
• As for topping, I am currently only topping those with whom I have some kind of relationship with- usually this means I've either met them or have spoken to them enough to feel like I would be comfortable playing with them.

See you all in BED ;)

BED's Launch Party, "Rigger's Ego"

UPDATE: Youtube hates us, so this video has been moved to Vimeo.  It's password protected.  The password is mocolovesbeemo

Last weekend, Moco and I had the honor of being the headliners for BED's Launch party.  This is a first for us, being headliners- we're typically called on to be the opening act.  It's never bothered us to be seen as the openers for someone else; we were just happy someone thought of us and that we could share the stage with some world class artists.

It was a bit nerve-racking to be the headliner, even more than I thought it would be.

I'm pleased to present our performance, which I've named "Rigger's Ego."  It's the story about an asshole rigger who breaks the heart of his rope bottom ;) but then makes up for it with more rope.

PS: Did I mention I'm 30 years old?  I'm doing this at 30.  Think about that for a while.

M0co and Beemo at BED's Launch Party, "Rigger's Ego" from BeemoBot! on Vimeo.

Crawling out of BED(2015)

I've been home for over 48 hours now, but my brain is still lingering somewhere in downtown Dallas.  BED2015 occurred last weekend, and, unlike almost all other cons I've ever attended, I finally felt mentally and physically prepared to handle a larger-scale event.  I had established boundaries, voiced my concerns, held my breath and jumped.

Classes went smoothly, play dates I managed to make were fantastic.  No mental breakdowns.  No need for emergency escape plans.  I even potentially made new friends. Me!  I think I met every goal I set for myself, maybe even surpassed my expectations.

Despite dating The Cat for almost a year (or possibly over a year? I am indeed the worst boi-friend), I finally got to tie her.  She was her perfect self, wearing an adorable sailor outfit, her two pig-tail braids slightly askew, her bright red lips always cracked in a beautiful smile.  I remember wanting to smear her lipstick, to see her body strain, and ache for me.  I didn't want to make her cry, but I wanted her to come close to it.  I wanted her to know that if I wanted to, I was fully capable of it.

I, of course, got what I wanted. Sleighbelle was a lot tougher than I had imagined she would be, so I'm exceedingly proud of her.  I'm told I'm not easy on my bottoms, perhaps it's a side effect of having an Owner who isn't easy on me.  She did wonderfully and I'm told that she still gets starry-eyed thinking about my stiletto on her throat.

Surprisingly, I managed to bottom to three other people.  This is a record for me, since I have a lot of fears of consent violations.  The recent surfacing of major violations really didn't help my fear, but after expressing my worries, the internet was like...calm down. and yes, I actually took the advice of the internet.  I must be desperate.

Unexpectedly, I ended up doing a ground tie with FredRx.  We had met in Florida during FIRE (I'm told I had actually met him at BED the year before, but whatever).  Physically speaking, he's EXACTLY what attracted me to Moco, it was a little mind-fucky.  There were plenty of moments where I nearly jumped on his back to bite his neck, thinking he was Moco.  Or knowing he wasn't and was curious as to what his reaction would be.  I imagine he would just throw me to the ground and choke me a bit :) but he would probably have just been really confused, possibly concerned that he may need a rabies shot.

The ground tie was, for lack of a better word, primal.  It reminded me of a lot of rape fantasies I used to have before Moco turned most of them into reality for me.   There was no sugar-y coating, no gentle pretense.  There was no power struggle because I didn't have any and Fred had it all.  and it felt...right.

Somewhere between the face slapping, the fingers down my throat, tears streaming down my face, and this devilish spiked glass ball being plied to my skin, I tried to remember why I was so afraid to play with other people. Could it always be this fun?  Or was it just because FredRx was hitting all the right types of pain and power plays?  The thoughts didn't last long, pain usually gets the better of me and before I knew it, I wasn't thinking at all anymore. 

High on my list of accomplishments was having enough confidence to flirt with Canadian-cowboy, Tho4ns, in person.  I had begun my pseudo-attempts on the internet, most notably #HatWatch2014, last October, when I had met him in Philly for the Twisted Halloween Intensive.  My attraction to him started out from his work, as he's super fucking talented with rope and a camera, but his lean frame and warm smile don't hurt his case, either.  I had no idea how to let him know about my childish crush- he and I have nothing in common besides an unreasonable love for Moco and his jute.  So I was stuck.

Sometime Saturday night, someone was running around the playspace yelling, "THORNS IS GIVING LAP DANCES!".  Finally!  My in that I've been waiting for!  I can work with this! Like a puppy desperate for attention, I went running into the space, only to be let down.  "Sorry, 'Thorns' with an 'R', not 'Thorns' with a '4'" someone told me.  Hopes and expectations, meet the floor.

I became unreasonably angry.  How dare Tho4ns take away my in!  And yes, I know that he didn't actually do anything at this point, but still!  Rage and disappointment don't listen to reason.  So I did the only thing I could think of, I went to the internet and tweeted that Tho4ns owed me a lapdance. 

Poor Tho4ns, he must be concerned that there's a hyper American constantly bothering him via tweets.

Sunday night, after the performances, Moco managed to get Tho4ns, enboldened by just enough alcohol, to give me the dance.  It was brief, maybe less than a minute total, but it was worth it.

A lot of undulating, wanton hip grinding.  A shiny belt buckle centimeters way from my mouth.  I remember fighting the urge to grab him and place a kiss on his belt buckle, but I constantly reminded myself that you must not touch the dancers.  Never touch without permission.

Of course, Moco did what he normally does and told Tho4ns about my ridiculous crush on him.  I don't think he acknowledged it, but he definitely didn't seem disgusted by it, so I take it as a personal victory.

Sometime today, Tho4ns tweeted this to me.  It's made me unreasonably happy.

You really can never un-see that.

December to May recap, Bondage Expo Dallas and...the future!

I know I've been pretty negligent (sidebar- does this word look strange to anyone else?) when it comes to this blog :( Life has gotten crazy, both professionally and socially.  and also, laziness plays a large part.

Work has been going through many, changes, some terrible, but most great.  Ideally, I'm up for a promotion and department change in the not too distant future.  Totally tooting my own horn here, but I deserve it.  I put in countless (and mostly thankless) hours with useless supervisors to help my team do well.  It's nice that our newest director of our department has noticed it.

As part of this newfound adultiness I've discovered, M0co and I have been preparing to....buy a house!  We're more or less pre-approved and now are just taking our time to find the perfect place.  Y'know, 2-3 bedrooms, 2+ bathrooms, a backyard for the pups, and a basement we can turn into a badass rope dojo/place space.  The essentials.

Since December, the kink life has been bananas.   We've been able to travel and present all over the east coast, which is kind of wild considering where we were 2 years ago.  Winterfire came and went smoothly.  It's always a great event :)  I'm really looking forward to Fusion, which is in a few weeks(!)

The highlight of the year so far, unexpectedly, was Bondage Expo Dallas.  This is going to sound so strange, but I'm not typically a fan of all bondage events.  Chalk it up to my introvertedness.  It's hard enough for me at regular events because M0co is more or less a celebrity, but in rope-centric events, he's somewhat of a demi god.  I mean, he figuratively births the ropes most people use at these things.  It's easy for him to get caught up in the attention and hype.  Not to mention that I tend to go into complete shut down mode and have an enormous mental breakdown after these events.  I usually end up breaking up with M0co, crying for three days, and rebooting.

Needless to say. I was...apprehensive.

BED was much smaller than I was expecting, which was great.  and the quality of people and education was amazing.  I had such an amazing time, I had completely forgotten I was nervous.  Dallas Kink and his crew put together a terrific event, I highly recommend it to rope-lovers.

Here are some photos from the last night at BED, taken by Dov.  M0co loves these because he thinks he looks like he's in great shape :P  Also, if you look in the background, you'll see tons of jute twine.  M0co totally did a Scrouge McDuck and rolled around on it.  I hope DK doesn't get mad >.>