The Stress

I like to live my days in a constant state of stress.  No, maybe 'like' isn't the right word.  It's more like I need to live in a constant state of stress.  When my world is always on the brink of explosion, covered in deadlines, fraught with sleepless nights, that's when I churn out my best work.  I can't explain it, I don't try to understand it.  It's how it's been for years and how it's always going to be.

I know it sounds bad.   Most people opt for as stress-free life as possible.  "How can you operate?  How do you not break down?  How can you be so calm when everything is basically falling apart?"  and to be honest, I do break down.  Often.  Just like any and everyone else does.

I know my brain.  I know if I let up, it'll fail me.  I'll fail me.  At this point in my life, I refuse to fail myself.

I spent a good portion of my youth numbing my brain and ostensibly not feeling stress because...well, I wouldn't let myself feel anything emotionally or physically.  and isn't that so much worse?  I would rather be in a constant state of panic than to ever allow myself to be numb to the world.  It means I can feel.  It means I care.

Anyways, stress isn't a bad thing in my mind-  don't we all stress our bodies as rope bottoms?  Don't we all test ourselves to see what we can do?  How we break?  How we put ourselves back together?

BDSLR sent me a few images from a few weeks (or maybe months, I stopped keeping track of time when it comes to his editing ;).  All I could think of when I got the images was "Look at all this stress I'm under.  Look at me survive it."

In that Stupid Way

When I first saw you, I fell in love with you a little bit, in that stupid way you fall in love with a complete stranger.  I didn't know anything about you nor you me, but I knew that there was something there.

When I first spoke to you, I tried to play it cool, in that stupid way you play cool by making nonsensical small talk.  I wanted to say something meaningful, but fell short.  All I got was  "The weather is nice," "Cool shoes," and "Like, you know, whatever."

When I first touched you, I wanted to stay calm, in that stupid way you stay calm by pretending you're doing something clinical and cold.  My hands were shaking and my breath was shallow, but you didn't seem to mind.  Maybe you were shaking a bit, too.

In the end, I managed to connect with you, in the smartest way I could: honestly.

How DNA Taught me to be a Better Person (Robot?)

I remember being in 6^th grade and learning about DNA for the first time; I was watching Jurassic Park.  Dinosaurs were made of DNA.  I’m made of DNA.  If I take DNA from a mosquito, stick it in a frog egg, I can make dinosaurs! ...What the hell is DNA?

Fast forward through middle school and high school and I finally learn what DNA is from general Biology courses. DNA is a genetic blueprint. DNA eventually makes RNA which makes proteins.  Watson and Crick.  Central Dogma.  DNA to RNA to protein.  DNA to RNA to protein.  This is how it is.  This is always how it is; it goes in this direction and only this direction.  It’s predictable and understandable.  Still unsure of how to make dinosaurs from mosquitos and frogs’ eggs, but I’m sure college will tell me.

Imagine the confusion of me going to college and learning that it’s not that simple.  That RNA can make DNA.  Or that RNA can make RNA.  After all those years of things being a certain way, it’s suddenly not that way anymore.  Oh, and it’s pretty much impossible to make dinosaurs from mosquitos and frogs (which I guess is a bonus for me because I’m absolutely terrified of frogs.)

At this point, I realized I have two options: I can both ignore this fact and continue to only believe in The Central Dogma (DNA to RNA to protein) and be stuck in this outdated way of thinking or I can learn the rest of the story.  Knowing I wouldn’t get very far as a Scientist without being open-minded, I read the research articles, took the classes, and replicated the experiments.

Maybe for the first year or so, I would still pause in the middle of whatever I was doing and think, “Hey man, this can’t be right…the Central Dogma says…oh…riiiiight….”  I’d draw the Central Dogma out and then doodle frowny faces around it because I felt like I had been lied to.  I threw away my Jurassic Park VHS away in a fit of anger (Okay, so I threw that away with the advent of DVDs, but you catch my drift….).  I eventually learned and figured it out with practice and patience.  Plus, I learned a lot of awesome things (“I use miRNA to silence mRNAs.  It’s like RNA blackmail,” and “HIV uses reverse transcriptase to FUCK SHIT UP,” are among the awesome things I can now claim I know.)

Nowadays, when I talk about DNA, I don’t automatically go, “Ah, DNA to RNA to protein!” I mean, that’s still in the back of my head, but I know that isn’t the whole story.  I know that proteins can modify proteins.  I know that there are viruses that are only RNA.  Epigenetics alters gene expression without ever changing the blue-print.  I know the flow of genetic information isn’t a straight line; there are millions of lines, many of which I may never learn about, see, or experience.  And that’s okay.

But why just stop at DNA?

I realized that a lot of things I thought I knew or understood were only a part of the whole story.  My definitions of things, while not necessarily inaccurate, may not be someone else’s definition.  There are millions of ways to do one thing, not just the one “right" way.  There may be things I won’t ever learn, see, or experience.  And that’s okay, as long as I keep an open mind and a willingness to learn.

Still no dinosaur, yet, though.