Love Songs

"Love Songs" Performed by M0co and Beemo from BeemoBot! on Vimeo.

Again, sometimes I forget how lucky I am.  In six short years, I've had the chance to share the stage with world class riggers and rope bottoms and last May was no exception.  Opening for Hajime Kinoko and Ika-chan was really one of the highest moments for Moco and myself.  Kinoko-san may be one of the biggest influences when it comes to Moco's rope style, even if it's not really evident.  We spent the earliest years of our relationship watching low-res videos of his Cyber Rope performances, pausing and replaying various transitions in hopes to unraveling some of the magic that is Kinoko's stage presence.

This performance was a bit different for us: everyone's used to the very show-boat-y, larger than life attitude that Moco and I bring.  I think it may have caught a couple people off guard, but I think this may be one of our most beautiful shows to date.  In the very least, it felt to be the most intimate and, for me, that's what rope is really about.

Many thanks to Rigger Jay for recording and editing this performance for us.

The Stress

I like to live my days in a constant state of stress.  No, maybe 'like' isn't the right word.  It's more like I need to live in a constant state of stress.  When my world is always on the brink of explosion, covered in deadlines, fraught with sleepless nights, that's when I churn out my best work.  I can't explain it, I don't try to understand it.  It's how it's been for years and how it's always going to be.

I know it sounds bad.   Most people opt for as stress-free life as possible.  "How can you operate?  How do you not break down?  How can you be so calm when everything is basically falling apart?"  and to be honest, I do break down.  Often.  Just like any and everyone else does.

I know my brain.  I know if I let up, it'll fail me.  I'll fail me.  At this point in my life, I refuse to fail myself.

I spent a good portion of my youth numbing my brain and ostensibly not feeling stress because...well, I wouldn't let myself feel anything emotionally or physically.  and isn't that so much worse?  I would rather be in a constant state of panic than to ever allow myself to be numb to the world.  It means I can feel.  It means I care.

Anyways, stress isn't a bad thing in my mind-  don't we all stress our bodies as rope bottoms?  Don't we all test ourselves to see what we can do?  How we break?  How we put ourselves back together?

BDSLR sent me a few images from a few weeks (or maybe months, I stopped keeping track of time when it comes to his editing ;).  All I could think of when I got the images was "Look at all this stress I'm under.  Look at me survive it."

Not-so-Imposter-Syndrome (AKA BED2016)

"Impostor syndrome describes a situation where someone feels like an impostor or fraud because they think that they have duped the people around them, their boss for example, into believing that their accomplishments are of a high calibre, but in fact believe that their accomplishments are nowhere near as good as the praise or promotions they are accorded based on those accomplishments. They have a fear of being "found out" one day to be lacking the skills and intelligence they are perceived to have. Usually, their accomplishments are just as good, and the person is applying an unfairly high standard to themself (and not to others). It's especially common in fields where people's work is constantly under review by talented peers, such as academia or Open Source Software, or taking on a new job." (Geek Feminism Wiki) 

I don't know if you know this about Moco or myself, but we suffer from SEVERE imposter syndrome.  We're still waitng for the day when everyone opens their eyes and realizes, "Hey...you know what?  They're not that good...at all, why do we keep bringing them around?" At first, we were excited about it, like we were getting away with something bad, but the longer we continue to be around, the more the paranoia developed.  Why?  Why were we allowed to even be in the same space as our more talented peers?

This is particularly true when we end up at rope-centric cons, like Bondage Expo Dallas (BED).  BED has quite the reputation for bringing out the big guns, a veritable who's who of rope.  And yet somehow, viola! Here be Moco and Beemo.  Like....what???  How could we even deserve to be listed on the same shirt as international presenters whose teaching experience is longer than our actual relationship? We're just a couple of no-good scrubby kids from Charm City, making the joint a million times less classy with our rap music and our brass knuckles and my Lilo and Stitch cosplay (more on that in a future post, probably).

But BED came and went like a blur and I actually felt...not so imposter-y.  and I don't know why.  Come Sunday at 6 pm, I felt like I was a real presenter for once.  and now just because BED really knows how to care for their presenters, which is all too rare in today's world of BDSM conferences and events.  I felt like I actually knew what I was talking about, that the entire class was engaged.  and maybe even more importantly, they were enjoying themselves the entire time. and it felt so good.  I'm hoping I'll always feel that way when we present or perform, but I'm pretty sure the feeling of non-imposter-ism is fleeting.

I'm told imposter syndrome is a fairly normal occurrence, that everyone feels like they haven't deserved whatever accolades they've received.  I wonder how they handle it.

In that Stupid Way

When I first saw you, I fell in love with you a little bit, in that stupid way you fall in love with a complete stranger.  I didn't know anything about you nor you me, but I knew that there was something there.

When I first spoke to you, I tried to play it cool, in that stupid way you play cool by making nonsensical small talk.  I wanted to say something meaningful, but fell short.  All I got was  "The weather is nice," "Cool shoes," and "Like, you know, whatever."

When I first touched you, I wanted to stay calm, in that stupid way you stay calm by pretending you're doing something clinical and cold.  My hands were shaking and my breath was shallow, but you didn't seem to mind.  Maybe you were shaking a bit, too.

In the end, I managed to connect with you, in the smartest way I could: honestly.

My 6 Week Love Disease

I'm not sure if there's been something in the water, but this week has been full of really interesting conversations on love and relationships.  I think that, by and large, I end up tuning out most of these talks and threads because it's never been something that resonated with me.  Love is a loaded word. and words having meaning.

Spiral, a longtime friend of mine, sent me this a few days ago.

The nerd in me recognized it instantly! Robert's Triangular Theory of Love (Thanks, minor in psychology! I know you'd help me some day!)  I had briefly learned about this during my last semester of undergraduate, but don't think it was ever laid out so well.  and I also never applied it to myself.

The more I spoke to Spiral about relationships, the more ze has helped me clear up some thoughts and feelings I have.  Ze is probably not even aware how helpful it's been for me to text with hir daily.  and this particular conversation was an eye-opener.

For a long time, I used to joke that I have "6 Week Love Disease".  I can fall in love with my whole heart for about 6 weeks. No, that's not accurate.  I can fall in heavy, heavy lust.  When that 7th week comes around, if it's not something that has caught my attention, I'll drop it like a hot rock. It's the reason why I don't eat yogurt anymore or why there is numerous random half started projects throughout my home.  It's why there's a string of lovers I never contact ever again after several weeks of fast-paced, seemingly passionate fucking.

According to Robert's theory, a lot of romantic relationships start off with just passion (aka infatuation), but feelings of commitment and intimacy will usually develop over time. I just have never felt the need to allow those other components to grow.  Whether it's out of fear or laziness, I'm not sure.

In the last year or so, I realized that I don't have to have 6 Week Disease.  I can want more than just passion for a short period of time, so I've grown my sickness into a 6 Week Theory or Test.  I'm working on reigning in the passion (aka the horrible aching need to fuck and fuck constantly) and testing my ability to grow intimacy and commitment with new relationships.  and in the last year, I can see the difference in how I develop relationships and feel about people.  Yes, I still want the body, the sweat, the tears.

but yes, I also want more.

BED2016 Wishlist

I can't believe a year has gone by already and we're quickly approaching another BED! I have a couple of wishes for this year's event, many pretty similar (exactly identical?) to the post I made last year!

• If you see me and recognize me (or don't recognize me, but think I would be interesting to speak to), please come say hi. I'm horribly awfully shy and anxious at large events and I often hide behind M0co or a group of close friends. I'd like to be able to leave BED this year meeting and having a conversation with at least 5 new people.
• If we haven't met, please ask to touch me beforehand. Nuff said.
• If you say hi to M0co, please also say hi to me. 9 times out of 10, people will go out of their way to introduce themselves to M0co and ignore me. I don't think most people are doing it purposefully and, to be fair, I often don't want to interrupt a conversation with the whole, "HI, I AM ALSO HERE. HI." It would mean a lot to me for someone to just to say hi, even if you don't really want to talk to me.
• Please ask me questions during class! I'm more than just a demo bottom. If you have questions from the inside the rope perspective (or as a top that tends to be smaller than their bottom) please don't hesitate to ask. I can't help you if you don't ask questions :)
• I am currently looking to expand my bottoming perspective. I am pretty bad about asking people to play- I think I've asked a few, but if tying me seems like something that wouldn't suck for you, please don't hesitate to ask. Also, if I say no, please respect that. I also like bottoming for things besides rope (!), so if you have other interests, please shoot me a message.
• As for topping, I am currently only topping those with whom I have some kind of relationship with- usually this means I've either met them or have spoken to them enough to feel like I would be comfortable playing with them.

See you all in BED ;)

Processing. Trust. Idiocy.

"So, I wanna try something dumb, but I wanna try this dumb thing on someone I trust to tell me if it's too dumb."

It's not a sentence most people hear often, but I feel like it's a fairly regular exchange I have with Meymoon (aka Tegoiss), a seemingly overnight rope top sensation from the DMV.  I've been lucky to watch his exponential growth in rope in his short time being in public kink.  His dedication to bondage is something to behold.

His dedication to making sure I remember he's a sadist on every possible level is also something to behold.  Beyond just bondage, he mostly taunts me with food and idea of not sharing it with me.   A foodist, if you will.  Anything from keeping pizza and matcha kit-kats away from me to telling me how much he hates avocado, nothing is too sacred in my life for him to try to use against me.  But he's also been a great sounding board, someone I can text sporadically throughout the day to ask questions about quesadillas, or check in when I'm feeling the inevitable drop from playing too hard.

Rope, kink- it's a trust game.  For me, it's probably one of the hardest parts of kink.  It's hard for me to develop that level of trust for most people, which is why the pool of people for whom I'll bottom for is pretty much still in the single digits, despite being a million kink years old.  I have to really trust someone beyond a normal amount of trust if they're planning on stringing me up and tossing me around.

I'm not really sure what caused the little switch in my brain to flip from "don't trust" to "trust", but it's been that way for a while and I couldn't be happier with my friendship and play with Meymoon.

and if I can trust someone to taunt me with food, I can trust them unequivocally. So, when approached with the idea of trusting in something dumb, I was all for it.

Sometimes, I have the strangest FOMO (fear of missing out) because while we labbed/played, I remember thinking "Man, I am so envious I can't see what's happening, I really want to learn."  I couldn't really tell you what happened, but it hurt. In the best way possible.  I flipped through some of the images and still don't really understand what I'm looking at.

I got some pretty neat shots and I edited them poorly.  Because not a photographer or editor.