The I Don't Get It Series: a mini rant and questioning of things I see or experience. Today I start with internet D/s dynamics.
Earlier today, I spent some time chatting with a rather nice young woman from The Netherlands. She was having a rough time handling her D/s relationship and put out a general note on her blog for advice. Since I am a nice person (usually) and I do have a bit of experience when it comes to D/s dynamics, I decided to send her a message to see what was up.
Her first response gave me some general information about her situation. Each detail seemed like a mini red flag. She's in an online D/s relationship with a man she had never met before who is in a closed marriage. She asked me if I recommend she continue. She also made the claim that she couldn't imagine experiencing D/s with anyone else. That's a pretty bold statement.
It kind of blows my mind how often people engage in this same activity: developing purely online D/s relationships with strangers. Now, I also can't claim to be completely innocent of this. In my younger years, I was desperate to find a Dominant, to know I wasn't crazy for feeling this way and to finally be able to connect to someone who wouldn't think I was strange for wanting to be submissive, and connecting on the internet was the easiest way to get that. And get it quick. As I've grown and matured, I realize that D/s dynamics is not something that just happens magically overnight. I mean, do you go out on one date and then decide to get married? It's definitely akin to that.
As a slave, the idea of giving up complete control is scary, and it should be. It's not something you should give up readily, even if you do identify as submissive. It's something that should be slowly approached and worked on. It's emotionally and mentally challenging and, a lot of times, I need the support of my Dominant, to know that it's okay. I just can't imagine being able to get that same emotional support just on the internet.
As a Top seeking a bottom, or even eventually a submissive, I can't imagine garnering any real pleasure in a D/s relationship in which I could see, touch and experience that person. It seems like it's gypping both parties off. I don't think it's very 'Dom-ly' to give someone a bunch of order over the internet and hope they obey. Where is the development? Where is the fun? Where is the play? Watching someone spank themselves on webcam just won't cut it for me. Also, how do I even know they're listening? How do I punish them if they don't listen?
I see D/s dynamics (and moreover, Master/slave dyamics) as being intimate and super personal. How does one do it with someone they have never even met? I'm not even sure why anyone even does that anymore. With the advent of fetlife.com, collarme and other kinky social networks, there's no excuse to not introduce yourself to your local kink community, make friends and maybe eventually find the right dynamic for you.
If you're in an online D/s relationship and don't agree with me, please post and explain your side. I would love to hear it.